"Consumer activist Ralph Nader announced he would run for president. When he heard about it, Dennis Kucinich was furious and said, He's going to steal my voter away." --Conan O'Brien

"Ralph Nader announced he's running for president after a new poll found he'd get .5% of the vote. Nader's slogan: 'Eat my dust Kucinich.'" --Craig Kilborn

"The only way Dennis Kucinich is going to end up in the White House is if he moves to San Francisco and marries John Kerry?" --Jay Leno

"An exciting opportunity awaits Dennis Kucinich.

He's been asked to star in the second season of Fox's 'The Littlest Groom.'" --Craig Kilborn

"As of midnight Thursday night, John Kerry began receiving Secret Service protection, a three-car detail of special agents, and a bullet proof limousine pulled up in front of his house and stayed there all night. See, that's what you get when you're the frontrunner. Dennis Kucinich got a whistle and a can of mace." --Jay Leno

"This past weekend was tough on a lot of the candidates. John Edwards got caught trying to bring a pen knife through airport security. Wesley Clark's motorcade got stopped for speeding in Oklahoma. And Dennis Kucinich's campaign got cited for loitering." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry appears to be the front runner. Do you know the name of Kerry's bus? It's the Real Deal Express, that's the name of his campaign bus. Do you know the name of Dennis Kucinich's bus? Greyhound." --Jay Leno

"Dennis Kucinich vowed to stay in the presidential race. "Stay in?� How about get in?" --Jay Leno

"The toxic chemical ricin was discovered in the U.S.

Capitol this week. Even more bad news -- it's beating Dennis Kucinich in the polls." --Craig Kilborn

"Kucinich is not doing well. In fact, even in Florida today, people said they wouldn't vote for Kucinich even by mistake." --Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry is lucky. He's got millions of dollars to spend to make his face look good. Poor Dennis Kucinich, he has to use a steam iron to get rid of the wrinkles on his face. " --Jay Leno

"God bless Dennis Kucinich. Even though he's doing terrible, he keeps running. In fact his slogan is 'Don't look back.' Of course he doesn't have to look back, there's nobody behind him." --Jay Leno

"Kucinich got one percent of the vote. And the sad part is there's a three percent margin of error. That means Kucinich could actually owe votes." --Jay Leno

"In New Hampshire, Dennis Kucinich went on a ten-stop bus tour and finally the bus driver said 'Look pal it's the end of the line, you gotta get off. You can't ride the bus all day.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday in the Iowa caucuses, Dennis Kucinich got only one percent of the vote. Apparently Kucinich knew he was in trouble when he saw a sign that said, 'You must be this tall.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Out in Iowa they had the Iowa caucuses. Last word â?? the results are too close to call unless you are Dennis Kucinich." --David Letterman

"Now that Carol Moseley Braun is out of the race, it will give Dennis Kucinich a firm grasp on last place. I don't want to say Dennis Kucinich is doing poorly, but they are already calling him the Iowa carcass." --Jay Leno

"According to the New York Times, Dean's wife does not like the spotlight. If she wanted to stay out of the spotlight, she should have married Dennis Kucinich." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey about the Democratic candidates for president, most of Howard Dean's support comes from urban voters, most of Wesley Clark's support comes from rural voters. The survey also reveals that all of Dennis Kucinich's support comes from his family." --Conan O'Brien

"Speaking of Democrats, Dennis Kucinich â?? the bachelor -- he is actually looking for a wife out on the campaign trail because he's single. He said he is looking for a dynamic, outspoken woman who knows something about health care. And today President Clinton said 'Be careful for what you wish for.'" --Jay Leno

"In the Rock The Vote presidential debates Tuesday night Democratic candidates Howard Dean, John Edwards and John Kerry admitted that they had smoked marijuana, while candidate Dennis Kucinich admitted that he was high right now." --Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Last night, during the Democratic debates, candidate Dennis Kucinich said he would stop the death penalty, cut the defense budget and set up a Department of Peace. Kucinich made the remark in response to the question 'Why is it you have no chance of winning?'" --Conan O'Brien

"Congressman Dennis Kucinich of Cleveland has officially announced he is running for President of the United States. If elected, he would be the first bachelor president since, well, Bill Clinton." --Jay Leno