The couple relationship is a special kind of relationship.
When things are going well, it can be one of the most meaningful and intimate relationships we could ever be a part of.
However, when things are not going well, marriage or the couple relationship can sometimes feel like the bane of our existence.
In my experience as a professional relationship counselor, communication often makes or breaks a relationship.
Communication permeates every aspect of a relationship.
In order to effectively resolve conflicts, couples have to be good communicators.
In order to successfully develop a budget and/or financial plan, couples have to communicate well.
In order to set adequate marital boundaries, a couple has to be on top of their communication game.
Effective communication is an extremely important aspect of having a healthy marriage.
Below are 5 skills you can begin to incorporate into your relationship to improve your communication.
Prefacing.
Couples often need to discuss difficult matters.
However, too often a partner or spouse will abruptly present the matter of concern to the other person.
When this happens, it can often feel like an attack.
At minimum, a partner may feel blindsided.
Therefore, couples need to learn the skill of prefacing.
Prefacing is simply letting your partner know that you have something concerning to discuss with them before "letting them have it.
" Like a book preface prepares the reader for the reading experience, prefacing matters of concern in the couple relationship prepares the spouse for the type of discussion their partner wants to have with them.
Active Listening.
Most couples know that listening is important; but, listening won't matter all that much if your partner doesn't know you are doing it.
Active listening is the key.
Active listening not only involve non-verbals like head-nodding and eye contact; but, it also involves verbals like reflective listening (e.
g.
, "What I am hearing you say is...
") and affirmations (e.
g.
, "Uh-huh" or "I see.
").
Softening.
When couples are attempting to face difficult matters, defensiveness is often one's natural instinct.
When this happens, tone gets sharper, sentences get shorter, and even body posture gets harder.
Couples need to fight against this natural instinct for self-preservation.
Couples need to practice the art of softening.
Next time you feel the urge to get defensive, take a moment.
Take a few deep breaths.
Scoot closer to your spouse.
You even may consider utilizing physical touch.
Allow your body to relax.
After you've done all then, then speak.
Benefit of the Doubt.
When couples are discussing issues of concern, emotions can often get in the way of effective communication.
When this happens, we sometimes tend to think the worst of our spouses.
We sometimes think thoughts like "She is trying to hurt me.
" or "He is trying to pick a fight.
" Instead of immediately jumping to the negative, try giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt.
Try assuming your spouse isn't intending to hurt you and that s/he might have a positive intent.
You might find yourself surprised by what you discover.
Assertiveness.
Difficult circumstances are unavoidable in couple relationships; yet, couples will still attempt to avoid them, sometimes at all costs.
It is important for couples to be assertive with their concerns, even if there is the possibility it could cause an argument.
However, in doing so, using the skills previously mentioned may decrease the chances an argument ensues.
There is so much more to communication than what I have presented; however, I hope these tips will give you a good place to start.
If you find that self-education just isn't making much of a difference, there is no shame in seeking out a professional counselor who specializes in couple relationships to help you get your communication back on track.