About Fear and Faith
Throughout the journey we travel on earth, we will each encounter many situations that may test our strength. No doubt, unexpectedly finding oneself in the role of care taker was just such an instance. Taking on the responsibility of caring for another person, especially one that is fragile in some way, is something that can cause countless fears to arise within. Can I provide the right amount of caregiver support to this person? Will I still be me throughout and after this process? Will resentments arise towards the person to whom I am providing home help care?
For those caregivers who have lost their loved one to age or the disease process, the fears don't end, they only change. How do I live with no one to take care of? Who am I outside of my role as caregiver? What is my purpose now? Who is there for me? How can I possibly adjust to life after so much time has been spent focusing on another person? These thoughts and concerns are understandable. However, it's important that life continue for you; and if fear is a large part of what drives thoughts and decisions, then that life is greatly impacted.
Let's look at how two women handled the same situation. Each had a family member suddenly become very ill. With a diagnosis that seemed grim, fear quickly set in amongst other members of the family. One woman drew strength from her faith that was grounded in God. She used prayer and positive thoughts to get through difficult days. Another, whose faith was not solid, worried and fretted constantly over the plight of the ill family member. In the end, the patient returned to health, and the woman who started with great faith grew stronger from the experience. The other found something new to worry about.
Now, I'm not suggesting that being religious is the only way to have faith. There are abundant numbers of people who do not attend church, who don't even pray to a higher power, and yet they find strength within to roll with the punches so to speak. Faith: it is the belief that life flows the way it is intended to. You could call it acceptance that although not everything that occurs has the outcome we want, it leaves us stronger and wiser in the end if we let it.
When talking specifically about illness or the death of a loved one. Fear often comes from a selfish desire to keep that person in our lives. How could one not want their beloved parent or spouse to stay with them longer? The feelings that surround a caregiver who has spent countless hours tending to the needs of a loved one are valid and real. The issue here is not necessarily how you feel, but how you act on those feelings.
See, faith and fear are emotions that carry actions. Each is connected to an enormous energy that has the power to institute change. Each has a place in our lives. But what often happens is that fear takes a prominent place, insisting on driving instead of merely acting as the occasional guide it is truly meant to be. Let's say you're taking a road trip. Along the way to your warm, sunny destination, you encounter an unexpected road block. Do you simply turn around and go home; worried that this intrusion would affect your entire trip? Or would you follow the detour signs to get around and through, on to "greener pastures"?
What fear does to the brain is detrimental to anyone already involved in a crisis. It activates the R-Complex, or "reptilian brain", which is instinctive and responsive. While this part of the brain switches on, the other parts switch off, leaving us with only two responses to any given situation. You've heard it thousands of times over the years – fight or flight. When you're not in a place of fear, looking at the possible response to the situation above seems a ludicrous; but this is exactly what people do when they are controlled by fear. They turn around and therefore miss out on all that life has to offer. In the situation of one who has lost their spouse, the widow or widower may experience fear of new relationships and remain alone when what they really need is companionship.
Why does this all matter at all anyway? Each of us has been given time on earth to experience the entire realm of emotions and challenges. Stopping only deprives one of what could be. Fear stops us from living. It stops us from really thinking clearly (remember, the brain actually shuts off!). Faith is what changes all that. Faith in God, in the Universe, in yourself or your caregiver support groups; it doesn't really matter what you want to put your faith into, it only matters that it squelches the attacks fear will wage against you.
Funny thing is, fear seems much easier to come by than faith for most of us. Activating faith is something you have to think about. It's something you have to put energy into. However, doing so will keep you on the right track so that you don't lose yourself in the midst of losing your loved one.
We all need a little help in overcoming unnecessary fears at times. Without guidance, there are those who would drown in their fears, never to return to the life they were meant to live. It's important to acknowledge fear, or any emotion for that matter. Without acknowledgement there can be no change. To rid yourself of fear, you must be willing to take a good hard look at it. In times when I was fearful, I didn't want to take this first step. Because of that, I lived with crippling anxiety for years. Once I decided (it's a choice!) to look at my fear, I saw that it was merely a façade. What I feared was fear! Realizing this brought me to a place of strength. It was just that simple. Now, that didn't chase the fear away immediately, oh no. Fear will put up a fight. But slowly, I learned to call my unfounded fears out. There were times when I would say aloud, "That's a lie!" Each time I did, fear would subside and make room for faith to blossom and grow. Today, I no longer burst out at fear. There's no need, I have learned simply not to believe it.
To help cope with any adversary, you need weapons in your arsenal. Ridding the enemy that is fear can be done over time with a few simple tools.
Find hope in Nature. I love nature. A while back, we experienced raging wildfires that wiped out thousands of acres of brush throughout the state. For months, the hillsides I drove daily were blackened, with charred Manzanita still standing. For awhile, this sight saddened me, as death was so visible and palpable. But one day, a sprig of bright green appeared at the base of one prominent tree I had admired for years. It was unmistakable, this celebration of life. The color stood out vividly against the ashen ground around it, creating a spectacle that demanded attention. This reassurance that life goes on taught me a lesson that changed my life. Nature does not fear. It does not think about what happened, or what if it fails, or what if the result isn't what it wants. It just does. It just is, and therefore it succeeds. Be like the tree, my friend, and grow in beauty.
Live in the moment. As you tread the path into new life, fear can come upon you like a dark cloud. In those moments, learn to breath. The simple act of focusing on breathing takes all other thoughts away. When you focus on simply inhaling and exhaling, you have no place else to be but the present; and this is the only place where you can take action. What happened in the past is gone and cannot be changed. The future is not yet here. The present is the only place where you have power.
A Taoist story tells of an old man who accidentally fell into the river rapids leading to a high and dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed downstream at the bottom of the falls. People asked him how he managed to survive. "I accommodated myself to the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived."
Accommodate yourself to the flow of life. You will not only survive; you will come through it better for every experience.
For those caregivers who have lost their loved one to age or the disease process, the fears don't end, they only change. How do I live with no one to take care of? Who am I outside of my role as caregiver? What is my purpose now? Who is there for me? How can I possibly adjust to life after so much time has been spent focusing on another person? These thoughts and concerns are understandable. However, it's important that life continue for you; and if fear is a large part of what drives thoughts and decisions, then that life is greatly impacted.
Let's look at how two women handled the same situation. Each had a family member suddenly become very ill. With a diagnosis that seemed grim, fear quickly set in amongst other members of the family. One woman drew strength from her faith that was grounded in God. She used prayer and positive thoughts to get through difficult days. Another, whose faith was not solid, worried and fretted constantly over the plight of the ill family member. In the end, the patient returned to health, and the woman who started with great faith grew stronger from the experience. The other found something new to worry about.
Now, I'm not suggesting that being religious is the only way to have faith. There are abundant numbers of people who do not attend church, who don't even pray to a higher power, and yet they find strength within to roll with the punches so to speak. Faith: it is the belief that life flows the way it is intended to. You could call it acceptance that although not everything that occurs has the outcome we want, it leaves us stronger and wiser in the end if we let it.
When talking specifically about illness or the death of a loved one. Fear often comes from a selfish desire to keep that person in our lives. How could one not want their beloved parent or spouse to stay with them longer? The feelings that surround a caregiver who has spent countless hours tending to the needs of a loved one are valid and real. The issue here is not necessarily how you feel, but how you act on those feelings.
See, faith and fear are emotions that carry actions. Each is connected to an enormous energy that has the power to institute change. Each has a place in our lives. But what often happens is that fear takes a prominent place, insisting on driving instead of merely acting as the occasional guide it is truly meant to be. Let's say you're taking a road trip. Along the way to your warm, sunny destination, you encounter an unexpected road block. Do you simply turn around and go home; worried that this intrusion would affect your entire trip? Or would you follow the detour signs to get around and through, on to "greener pastures"?
What fear does to the brain is detrimental to anyone already involved in a crisis. It activates the R-Complex, or "reptilian brain", which is instinctive and responsive. While this part of the brain switches on, the other parts switch off, leaving us with only two responses to any given situation. You've heard it thousands of times over the years – fight or flight. When you're not in a place of fear, looking at the possible response to the situation above seems a ludicrous; but this is exactly what people do when they are controlled by fear. They turn around and therefore miss out on all that life has to offer. In the situation of one who has lost their spouse, the widow or widower may experience fear of new relationships and remain alone when what they really need is companionship.
Why does this all matter at all anyway? Each of us has been given time on earth to experience the entire realm of emotions and challenges. Stopping only deprives one of what could be. Fear stops us from living. It stops us from really thinking clearly (remember, the brain actually shuts off!). Faith is what changes all that. Faith in God, in the Universe, in yourself or your caregiver support groups; it doesn't really matter what you want to put your faith into, it only matters that it squelches the attacks fear will wage against you.
Funny thing is, fear seems much easier to come by than faith for most of us. Activating faith is something you have to think about. It's something you have to put energy into. However, doing so will keep you on the right track so that you don't lose yourself in the midst of losing your loved one.
We all need a little help in overcoming unnecessary fears at times. Without guidance, there are those who would drown in their fears, never to return to the life they were meant to live. It's important to acknowledge fear, or any emotion for that matter. Without acknowledgement there can be no change. To rid yourself of fear, you must be willing to take a good hard look at it. In times when I was fearful, I didn't want to take this first step. Because of that, I lived with crippling anxiety for years. Once I decided (it's a choice!) to look at my fear, I saw that it was merely a façade. What I feared was fear! Realizing this brought me to a place of strength. It was just that simple. Now, that didn't chase the fear away immediately, oh no. Fear will put up a fight. But slowly, I learned to call my unfounded fears out. There were times when I would say aloud, "That's a lie!" Each time I did, fear would subside and make room for faith to blossom and grow. Today, I no longer burst out at fear. There's no need, I have learned simply not to believe it.
To help cope with any adversary, you need weapons in your arsenal. Ridding the enemy that is fear can be done over time with a few simple tools.
- Acknowledgement. Although some fear is helpful, such as instances that may put you in danger physically or emotionally.
- Reprimanding. Call it out! Someone called fear F.E.A.R. False Evidence Appearing Real. Learn to call unfounded fears a lie, for that is precisely what they are.
- Believe in the Alternative. Every fear has an alternative. Fear that you cannot reinstate your place in the world outside of the care you gave to your charge can be replaced with a desire to volunteer for a worthy organization.
Find hope in Nature. I love nature. A while back, we experienced raging wildfires that wiped out thousands of acres of brush throughout the state. For months, the hillsides I drove daily were blackened, with charred Manzanita still standing. For awhile, this sight saddened me, as death was so visible and palpable. But one day, a sprig of bright green appeared at the base of one prominent tree I had admired for years. It was unmistakable, this celebration of life. The color stood out vividly against the ashen ground around it, creating a spectacle that demanded attention. This reassurance that life goes on taught me a lesson that changed my life. Nature does not fear. It does not think about what happened, or what if it fails, or what if the result isn't what it wants. It just does. It just is, and therefore it succeeds. Be like the tree, my friend, and grow in beauty.
Live in the moment. As you tread the path into new life, fear can come upon you like a dark cloud. In those moments, learn to breath. The simple act of focusing on breathing takes all other thoughts away. When you focus on simply inhaling and exhaling, you have no place else to be but the present; and this is the only place where you can take action. What happened in the past is gone and cannot be changed. The future is not yet here. The present is the only place where you have power.
A Taoist story tells of an old man who accidentally fell into the river rapids leading to a high and dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed downstream at the bottom of the falls. People asked him how he managed to survive. "I accommodated myself to the water, not the water to me. Without thinking, I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging into the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived."
Accommodate yourself to the flow of life. You will not only survive; you will come through it better for every experience.