Jane When I met Jane, she was ten years old.
A straight A student.
She speaks English and Mandarin fluently.
She was only allowed to speak English in school and Mandarin at home.
After school, she did her homework, than the extra Math homework.
After the Math drills, she was off to practice two hours of piano and one hour of violin.
Jane was an excellent piano and violin player.
She auditioned for Julliard several times but did not make it.
Jane's mother constantly called her stupid and lazy.
Today, Jane graduated from Stanford University with a Masters Degree.
Her parents gladly paid for her college degree with their savings.
She is under-employed and is still trying to figure out who she is and what she wants in life.
John John was an introvert.
He was twelve when I met him.
He speaks excellent English and Mandarin.
However, we can hardly hear what he said.
He mumbles and lacks confidence.
A straight A student whom everybody called a Math and Science whiz kid.
John had to drill on Math everyday and his parents sent him to the local Kumon Tuition Center for extra work on Math and Science.
John's parents want him to compete in all Science Fair Competition.
Losing was not an option.
He had to be the best.
For many years John did so well and was invited to compete for the Intel Science Fair at aged 16.
The pressure was intense from his parents through the years.
However, this particular incident, John lost it.
Today, John is not working, mentally unstable and need the care of his parents.
Tiger Mother The above names are not real but they are both individuals that I knew while living in New York.
I have mingled with many Tiger Mothers, raised by a Tiger Mother and naturally became a Tiger Mother myself.
For the first seven years of my parenting career, I was a Tiger Mother.
Most of us, who have the tendencies to be a Tiger Mother have these traits and experiences: 1.
We are insecure.
We were raised my insecure, poverty stricken, mindset of lack adults.
2.
Performance based parenting.
We were raised by parents who believed in performance.
You have to perform.
When you perform well, you are obedient and you are a good child.
3.
'Kiasu'(fear of losing) mentality.
They openly compare results and activities of each others children.
We have to be better than the Joneses.
We compare each others kids at all times.
We cannot be any less.
If they have it, we must have it too.
If Jones is going to Kumon Center for Math practice, we have to go too.
4.
'No failure' mentality.
There is no failure.
Failure is shame.
If we fail we lose.
5.
We are terrified if our parents disapproved of us.
We were raised to fear our parents.
What they are going to say next? Most of the time, they will not praise our achievement.
Instead it will be down played.
If we were given praise by others, it will be countered with, "not really".
"She can be better or she did not practice enough".
6.
Most of the time, we live for our parents' dream of success.
Children's success will show off parents' success.
7.
Children owe their parents everything when we are grown.
We have to repay them by making them proud always.
Staying home to raise children is shunned by most parents.
It is a waste of talent and lost income, especially if we have gotten a college degree.
Most of the time, the parents pay the college in full.
See the Good What can we learn from Tiger Mothers? Despite their tremendous weaknesses, there are few things that we can learn from Tiger Mothers.
1.
Hard work.
Tiger Mothers believe in hard work.
It is an important trait to succeed as a person in life.
There is no other way around it.
The Bible said, "If a man will not work, he shall not eat.
" 2.
Excellence.
Tiger Mothers do not believe in mediocre work or performance.
Do things with excellence and do your very best.
Do not cut corners or give excuses for the lack of excellence.
3.
Don't give up.
Tiger Mothers believe in toughening up.
The beginning is always difficult.
We have to stick to it to the very end.
After awhile, it will get easier.
4.
Skills.
Tiger Mothers believe we have to do things over and over again.
Even if we are bored, we have to do the drill until we have the skills.
This applies to practicing musical instruments, a new skill in swimming, math problems or golf swings.
5.
Simple.
Tiger Mothers do not believe in waste.
Live a modest life and live simply.
Don't get into debts.
Why I left the Tiger Mother clan? When I became a mother, I did not know anything about mothering except to model what I learnt from my mother and the other mothers in the Asian church in New York.
I met many high achieving Asian teens who were extremely unhappy; lack self confidence and people skills.
I witnessed the trauma most have to go through to master the skills on the piano and violin.
When my daughter was five, she refused to practice the piano with excellence.
I coached her and coaxed her to go further.
Fifteen minutes is not enough.
I was convinced she need at least one hour practice everyday.
When she missed a note, I will hiss at her.
She was not a happy child.
Just like the Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, I began to supervise on her piano practice, her Mandarin classes and her extra Math work at home.
When we moved to Florida, we were in a new environment with new sets of friends in church.
The mothers here spoke positively to their children.
They were encouraging, not comparing or coaxing their children to perform.
Through my own personal growth journey, I began to discover my own insecurity, weaknesses and the lack of positive parenting models and the need to change.
I don't agree that Chinese Mothers are better than Western Mothers or vice versa.
Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is a memoir; she did a great job in sharing an Asian mother's struggle.
I was raised by one, have acquaintances that are still Tiger Mothers and have left the clan myself.
Are there Perfect Mothers? There are no perfect mothers.
The only way we can be a better is to model someone who has done it successfully.
One parenting book that parents should not live without is Dani Johnson's Grooming the Next Generation for Success.