How to Use Your Wounds As Gifts of Transformation
I remember opening my eyes for the first time.
There was my mother.
She looked away.
OUCH.
Lost.
Floating, unhinged in the vastness of the universe.
Loneliness beyond description.
Psychologist Carl Rogers talks about loneliness being the basis for neurosis.
I would go further.
Tremendous loneliness, I believe can be one cause for a major depression.
In any case, loneliness is certainly a state of being cut off from oneself.
As my mother cut off from me at the instant of my consciousness to this plane of existence, I had no reference point for connection.
However, I did have emotions and thought processes.
My tiny self told me that I must be really bad for my mother to turn away and leave me drifting in space.
And that is how I felt, very very bad.
I believe the Universe is good.
I believe I contracted to come into this life knowing all of its trials and tribulations.
I dreamed one night that "I got the hard test.
" I believe that I chose the hard test in order that I could realize the most magnificent me possible.
Evolution is driven by crisis.
Without the gifts of suffering I wouldn't be forced to face the darkness, feel it, work through it and find the lightness on the other side.
I had a very bad childhood.
I tell people "we were born into an orphanage.
" Eleven of us.
I was the first daughter, my two older brothers got off the hook.
They stayed out of that house as much as possible.
My mother had one baby after another and handed them over to me to take care of.
I was gifted, intuitive - knowing what they needed before they did - and loving.
I learned to be diligent, sincere, efficient and obsessive at a very young age.
I stayed ahead of everything.
I kept that laundry going as it was coming down the shoot.
The floors cleaned of sand every day.
The diapers were in the toilet to soak while I was boiling baby bottles and then I was back to wash out the diapers.
Through all of this, I was at the end of my rope.
I remember at least one night walking one of the babies.
The baby's crying, I'm crying.
You might be asking, because most people do, "Where was your mother?" She was resting.
My heart sinks when I answer because I was at my wit's end.
I needed to rest, but I wasn't allowed.
My mother didn't have enough love or even energy to give one child let alone eleven.
I certainly wasn't qualified to mother eight siblings, but I did my best because that's what I do.
Well, I've learned to lightened up on myself quite a bit over the last handful of years.
I was a very smart child.
I did very well in, and loved school.
I fell in love with the teachers and cried at the end of every school year.
Going to school was my first experience of being paid attention to and nurtured, of being seen for who I am and valued for my talents.
You see, the most damaging thing my mother did to me was this: She killed my wants, needs, instincts and passions.
She couldn't afford for me to have these because she needed me to be an extension of herself.
I was an appendage of her and a very good one.
Because I was such an excellent surrogate, she was able to keep having babies, until her hysterectomy.
Hallelujah! Everyone thought she was such a saint.
And they still do, bless her soul.
After many years of therapy, going through the darkness, the depression, the rage, I am remembering the wants, needs, passions and talents that my mother wouldn't allow me to have nor express in the most magnificent way.
As well, my mother came to me in a dream one night.
She said, "I want you to want.
" WOW! What a blessing that was.
Up until then, I was still having trouble with forgiveness.
Not being able to forgive is a burden on me, not her.
She reached out to me in that dream.
I am now able to forgive.
She knows everything now.
And she wants me to want in a very big way.
I truly feel forgiveness, and, for the first time, Love for her, in my heart.
Do yourself a favor.
Don't blame your past on others.
Staying in a victim place will only keep you stuck - forever! You are here for a reason.
You are a blessed piece of the Tao and you have divinity within you.
Find it by working through your darknesses and your demons.
Move forward on this path that you willingly chose.
Find and follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell so eloquently put it.
You only have one life as this personality on earth - give it all you've got! If I can do it so can you! For more articles like this go to: http://www.
intuitive-energy-healing.
com
There was my mother.
She looked away.
OUCH.
Lost.
Floating, unhinged in the vastness of the universe.
Loneliness beyond description.
Psychologist Carl Rogers talks about loneliness being the basis for neurosis.
I would go further.
Tremendous loneliness, I believe can be one cause for a major depression.
In any case, loneliness is certainly a state of being cut off from oneself.
As my mother cut off from me at the instant of my consciousness to this plane of existence, I had no reference point for connection.
However, I did have emotions and thought processes.
My tiny self told me that I must be really bad for my mother to turn away and leave me drifting in space.
And that is how I felt, very very bad.
I believe the Universe is good.
I believe I contracted to come into this life knowing all of its trials and tribulations.
I dreamed one night that "I got the hard test.
" I believe that I chose the hard test in order that I could realize the most magnificent me possible.
Evolution is driven by crisis.
Without the gifts of suffering I wouldn't be forced to face the darkness, feel it, work through it and find the lightness on the other side.
I had a very bad childhood.
I tell people "we were born into an orphanage.
" Eleven of us.
I was the first daughter, my two older brothers got off the hook.
They stayed out of that house as much as possible.
My mother had one baby after another and handed them over to me to take care of.
I was gifted, intuitive - knowing what they needed before they did - and loving.
I learned to be diligent, sincere, efficient and obsessive at a very young age.
I stayed ahead of everything.
I kept that laundry going as it was coming down the shoot.
The floors cleaned of sand every day.
The diapers were in the toilet to soak while I was boiling baby bottles and then I was back to wash out the diapers.
Through all of this, I was at the end of my rope.
I remember at least one night walking one of the babies.
The baby's crying, I'm crying.
You might be asking, because most people do, "Where was your mother?" She was resting.
My heart sinks when I answer because I was at my wit's end.
I needed to rest, but I wasn't allowed.
My mother didn't have enough love or even energy to give one child let alone eleven.
I certainly wasn't qualified to mother eight siblings, but I did my best because that's what I do.
Well, I've learned to lightened up on myself quite a bit over the last handful of years.
I was a very smart child.
I did very well in, and loved school.
I fell in love with the teachers and cried at the end of every school year.
Going to school was my first experience of being paid attention to and nurtured, of being seen for who I am and valued for my talents.
You see, the most damaging thing my mother did to me was this: She killed my wants, needs, instincts and passions.
She couldn't afford for me to have these because she needed me to be an extension of herself.
I was an appendage of her and a very good one.
Because I was such an excellent surrogate, she was able to keep having babies, until her hysterectomy.
Hallelujah! Everyone thought she was such a saint.
And they still do, bless her soul.
After many years of therapy, going through the darkness, the depression, the rage, I am remembering the wants, needs, passions and talents that my mother wouldn't allow me to have nor express in the most magnificent way.
As well, my mother came to me in a dream one night.
She said, "I want you to want.
" WOW! What a blessing that was.
Up until then, I was still having trouble with forgiveness.
Not being able to forgive is a burden on me, not her.
She reached out to me in that dream.
I am now able to forgive.
She knows everything now.
And she wants me to want in a very big way.
I truly feel forgiveness, and, for the first time, Love for her, in my heart.
Do yourself a favor.
Don't blame your past on others.
Staying in a victim place will only keep you stuck - forever! You are here for a reason.
You are a blessed piece of the Tao and you have divinity within you.
Find it by working through your darknesses and your demons.
Move forward on this path that you willingly chose.
Find and follow your bliss, as Joseph Campbell so eloquently put it.
You only have one life as this personality on earth - give it all you've got! If I can do it so can you! For more articles like this go to: http://www.
intuitive-energy-healing.
com