Psychic Elizabeth Discusses – Being An Adult Child Of An Alcoholic
Being an adult child of an alcoholic is an amazingly common thing in our world today. I am the first to admit that I am one of you. My Father was a raging alcoholic. He was functional and hid it well. It affected me on so many levels. I was not even aware of the impact until I was in my thirties. The first time I read about the characteristics of being an adult child of an alcoholic, I think I stopped breathing. It was so eye-opening. Let us look at those common characteristics.
Perfectionism: This comes from the €waiting for the other shoe to drop€ scenario an adult child of an alcoholic grows up living. We learned to be €perfect€ to keep that shoe from dropping and to not raise the rage in the alcoholic parent.
Control Freak Tendencies: From a very early age, we grow up feeling responsible for all the madness in the household. At some point, we start to believe that we are responsible for it. Because of this, we have an overwhelming need to control everything in our life. This is a survival and fear-based instinct. As we all know, trying to control things, people and situations just messes things up for the most part.
Self-Esteem Issues: It is extremely rare to see an adult child of an alcoholic who does not have incredibly low self-esteem. We fail over and over in our need for €perfection€ and €control€. That breeds self-esteem issues from the time we can first remember.
Self Worth Issues: An adult child of an alcoholic feels unloved, unheard, and unseen. Our needs, thoughts, accomplishments, wishes and issues were not only not heard but unwanted in the household. We grow up feeling completely unimportant. We carry that into adulthood.
Problems with Depression: In the home of an adult child of an alcoholic, there is no communication. No one has or teaches communication skills, stress management skills or problem solving skills. When we grow up, we have a much harder time facing the problems that come with living and life. Depression and stress related illnesses become common.
Caretaker Tendencies: Growing up with an alcoholic, we learn from an early age to become a caretaker. We get used to covering up, sweeping things under the rug, and making sure the alcoholic is safe. As we grow up, we often find ourselves in relationships with people who we believe need our help or need saving.
Guilt: Because of the need to control and the feelings of being responsible for everything around us, when the alcoholic around us starts to rage, we feel guilty. We feel guilty for having to cover up and lie to those around us. We feel guilty for not being able to change how things are. We feel guilty for not being €perfect€.
Being Critical: Due to the lack of acknowledgement and praise in childhood, an adult child of an alcoholic is incredible critical of self and of others. Any one of us could give you a really long list of our flaws but have a really hard time finding something good to say about ourselves.
Intimacy Issues: Opening up and allowing another in to our heart and life is very hard. The constant rejection in childhood taught us to hide. We hid our feelings and our needs as they were not heard or desired anyway. An adult child of an alcoholic sees these intimacy issues manifest over and over in romantic relationships. We have to learn emotional intimacy. We often look for intimacy through sexual contact, but then feeling guilty because we not only did not find intimacy but now feel guilty about having random sexual encounters.
Abandonment Issues: An adult child of an alcoholic grows up feeling unheard and unloved. Because of the intimacy issues, we never learn how to get close to people. People coming and going from our lives is a common thing. Somewhere along the line, it turns to fear that we will always be alone and everyone will abandon us.
Approval Seeking: Because we were ignored and our needs were not heard or met, we grow up seeking approval from those outside of us. We try so hard to be €perfect€ and €control€ things so someone will give us that approval that we are so desperately seeking. We become classic people-pleasers in the process.
Victim Mentality: Positivity is something that most of us never experienced in our households. My Dad was drunk, my Mom was sick and sad, and my brother was acting out. We did not have a lot of positive energy around us. €Waiting for the other shoe to drop€ will create that victim mentality. €What is going to happen next?€. As we grow, we become entrenched in the victim mentality.
Avoiding Feelings: Since our feelings were not a concern to those around us growing up, we learned to just avoid feelings altogether. As we age, we are still emotional cripples. We do not know how to even feel our own feelings, let alone express them to another. Feelings are painful and scary to an adult child of an alcoholic.
Substance Abuse Issues: As I'm sure you can image, so many of us grow up searching for a way to either numb the negative feelings or to create some positive ones. So we reach for substances like alcohol and drugs. Since alcoholism is a disease and is hereditary, it is quite common for a child of an alcoholic to become one as well.
Are you an adult child of an alcoholic? Do these characteristics ring true in your ears? There is hope and help out there for you. I read lots and lots of self-help books. I talked to people. I prayed. I went to AA Meetings and Al-Anon Meetings. I know there are many therapists and counselors out there who can help as well. Please do something. Take some action. There is healing and happiness out there. It just requires you taking the first step. I am here to report that I am much better today. It is worth the effort to find this level of peace and happiness. I would be more than happy to help you with any relationship, love and family questions and or issues that you have. Just drop me a line.
Perfectionism: This comes from the €waiting for the other shoe to drop€ scenario an adult child of an alcoholic grows up living. We learned to be €perfect€ to keep that shoe from dropping and to not raise the rage in the alcoholic parent.
Control Freak Tendencies: From a very early age, we grow up feeling responsible for all the madness in the household. At some point, we start to believe that we are responsible for it. Because of this, we have an overwhelming need to control everything in our life. This is a survival and fear-based instinct. As we all know, trying to control things, people and situations just messes things up for the most part.
Self-Esteem Issues: It is extremely rare to see an adult child of an alcoholic who does not have incredibly low self-esteem. We fail over and over in our need for €perfection€ and €control€. That breeds self-esteem issues from the time we can first remember.
Self Worth Issues: An adult child of an alcoholic feels unloved, unheard, and unseen. Our needs, thoughts, accomplishments, wishes and issues were not only not heard but unwanted in the household. We grow up feeling completely unimportant. We carry that into adulthood.
Problems with Depression: In the home of an adult child of an alcoholic, there is no communication. No one has or teaches communication skills, stress management skills or problem solving skills. When we grow up, we have a much harder time facing the problems that come with living and life. Depression and stress related illnesses become common.
Caretaker Tendencies: Growing up with an alcoholic, we learn from an early age to become a caretaker. We get used to covering up, sweeping things under the rug, and making sure the alcoholic is safe. As we grow up, we often find ourselves in relationships with people who we believe need our help or need saving.
Guilt: Because of the need to control and the feelings of being responsible for everything around us, when the alcoholic around us starts to rage, we feel guilty. We feel guilty for having to cover up and lie to those around us. We feel guilty for not being able to change how things are. We feel guilty for not being €perfect€.
Being Critical: Due to the lack of acknowledgement and praise in childhood, an adult child of an alcoholic is incredible critical of self and of others. Any one of us could give you a really long list of our flaws but have a really hard time finding something good to say about ourselves.
Intimacy Issues: Opening up and allowing another in to our heart and life is very hard. The constant rejection in childhood taught us to hide. We hid our feelings and our needs as they were not heard or desired anyway. An adult child of an alcoholic sees these intimacy issues manifest over and over in romantic relationships. We have to learn emotional intimacy. We often look for intimacy through sexual contact, but then feeling guilty because we not only did not find intimacy but now feel guilty about having random sexual encounters.
Abandonment Issues: An adult child of an alcoholic grows up feeling unheard and unloved. Because of the intimacy issues, we never learn how to get close to people. People coming and going from our lives is a common thing. Somewhere along the line, it turns to fear that we will always be alone and everyone will abandon us.
Approval Seeking: Because we were ignored and our needs were not heard or met, we grow up seeking approval from those outside of us. We try so hard to be €perfect€ and €control€ things so someone will give us that approval that we are so desperately seeking. We become classic people-pleasers in the process.
Victim Mentality: Positivity is something that most of us never experienced in our households. My Dad was drunk, my Mom was sick and sad, and my brother was acting out. We did not have a lot of positive energy around us. €Waiting for the other shoe to drop€ will create that victim mentality. €What is going to happen next?€. As we grow, we become entrenched in the victim mentality.
Avoiding Feelings: Since our feelings were not a concern to those around us growing up, we learned to just avoid feelings altogether. As we age, we are still emotional cripples. We do not know how to even feel our own feelings, let alone express them to another. Feelings are painful and scary to an adult child of an alcoholic.
Substance Abuse Issues: As I'm sure you can image, so many of us grow up searching for a way to either numb the negative feelings or to create some positive ones. So we reach for substances like alcohol and drugs. Since alcoholism is a disease and is hereditary, it is quite common for a child of an alcoholic to become one as well.
Are you an adult child of an alcoholic? Do these characteristics ring true in your ears? There is hope and help out there for you. I read lots and lots of self-help books. I talked to people. I prayed. I went to AA Meetings and Al-Anon Meetings. I know there are many therapists and counselors out there who can help as well. Please do something. Take some action. There is healing and happiness out there. It just requires you taking the first step. I am here to report that I am much better today. It is worth the effort to find this level of peace and happiness. I would be more than happy to help you with any relationship, love and family questions and or issues that you have. Just drop me a line.