In my years in practice and as a social being I've come across a number of marriages that were, shall we say, to put it tactfully, not functioning optimally.
Over time I came to see that such marriages fell into several general categories.
And I found it a high likelihood that couples in marriages such as these would bump up against the possibility of divorce sooner or later.
One problem structure I call either the Over/Under-Function--or sometimes the 'Slavery-Freedom' model--of marriage.
Often this comes to be in the following way: A woman grows up with a controlling, rich father, who makes her life miserable until she literally feels enslaved.
In a concerted effort to create a better life for herself, she will marry a weak, unsuccessful husband so she can feel free.
[This works with men and their mothers, too.
] She seems to subscribe to a dynamic where one must control or be controlled.
This usually works out badly, to say the least.
Using other words for a similar dynamic, this can be where the life-long over-functioner marries the paragon of under-functioning.
I saw one lesbian couple* who had been together a long time [as they liked to say, they were lesbians before it was all the rage] and weathered a number of storms.
They were comfortable with each other and actually complained very little about their relationship, but Joanie, the partner who saw me more frequently, had a number of stress-related illnesses.
It turned out that the more her partner lost jobs, overspent, and drank, the more jobs Joanie took on, sleeping less and less, and compensating both financially and in general functioning for her partner.
It struck me as no surprise that Joanie was sick.
On and off throughout the years I saw a woman*--and she's not one of my greatest success stories, but I include her because she's a great example--who had a very high need to control and over-function.
She had grown up with that case-study dynamic of an over-bearing father, and she was determined that each man she married would be, if we're to call a spade a spade, weak and hapless.
It came out in every relationship, but marriage was where it seemed to wreak the most damage.
Rose originally married an artist, a job that appealed to her as it seemed freeing, imaginative--unbound by the rules that so constricted her own sense of being [it may come as no surprise to you that she was a computer programmer].
But the problem with this marriage was that her husband made no money, and seemed so hapless that to get him to do anything required instruction from her--and really she was running two people's lives, with only one salary.
So she divorced him and married a doctor, certain that here would be a successful man, and, she assured me, they would be more equal partners.
However this was as managed care was reaching its heyday, so once again she was left with a man who hardly made a living--his practice downsized him right on out--and who had been spoiled by his first wife, when he earned a better salary, so that he hardly contributed to household chores.
So, after a brief period of 'love is blind'-ness, Rose bossed him about, too, and took charge of his resume and sending it out.
It was hardly a step up from the first husband, and here she now was in charge of job searches as well.
Honestly, Rose likes controlling so much that I'm not sure she would have called it quits, but the doctor couldn't take having his every step micro-managed, and they cordially agreed to part ways.
Ironically, Rose, who has decided she should be cautious before she marries again, is now involved with a man who's prone to seizures and therefore can't drive.
This is a serious impediment to his career progress, as he's a musician and gets gigs throughout the city.
Clearly, Rose needs to drive him; and she monitors his health like a hawk, ever fearful that he might convulse and she won't be around.
Let's say you're in such a marriage, and are finding yourself increasingly frustrated.
One of the crucial questions you need to ask yourself before you leave is how you can improve things if you walk so your situation will be different the next time.
If you don't ask this, and don't take the steps to make things different, you might be like Rose, heading into a third marriage which is, in its outlines, very little different from your first.
In such a case, really, doesn't it make more sense to stay in a marriage and work through your issue, than to rack up marriages, repeating your pattern each time? *All names and identifying characteristics of clients have been changed.