Your Parent"s Caregiver - To Be or Not To Be
When your elderly parent is no longer able to live alone safely and independently, and he or she wants to remain at home, a caregiver will be needed.
Deciding who that person should be and what their duties need to include, involves lengthy discussions, over time with family and much soul-searching.
Include your parent, and maybe an eldercare health professional and an elder law attorney.
If you decide to be the caregiver consider these 7 points.
1.
Relationship: Of course you love your parent, But do you enjoy being around each other and see eye-to-eye on things that matter? I loved my dad and we had many good times together, but we did not agree on many things, we were both stubborn, and he, as my dad, viewed me as the child - he thought he knew better.
Much of the time we were at loggerheads with one another.
For that reason I hired the primary caregiver; and he and I spent quality time together.
2.
Patience: Can you to listen to and wait for your parent to respond at her own pace even if memory and/or judgment interfere? It's important to allow your loved one to do all of those self-care and daily tasks they are capable of, regardless of how long it takes them.
Only step in to help if they clearly cannot complete what they are attempting to do, or if time is critical.
If you take over tasks they are able to do, you are fostering their dependence on you, making your job harder and you are taking away their sense of self-respect.
3.
Nurturing: can you help with bathing, toileting, dressing or whatever other intimate care is required without judgment, resentment, or being turned off? It is important to maintain your respect for the person your parent is regardless of their capabilities.
4.
Your own lifestyle: do you currently have a job? Can you afford to lose an income and benefits to take on a caregiver job with neither income nor benefits? Do you have a family who needs you? Consider what it will do to your relationship with your husband or kids/grand kids? 5.
Did you choose to do it or did your siblings pick you? You will harbor resentment if you let them talk you into it.
Be sure it's your choice.
It is a hard job, both physically and emotionally, and though it may only be a few daytime hours to begin with, it could turn into a fulltime job or beyond - it could require 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
6.
Respectful: Can you treat your parent with respect, regardless of their state of mind or physical abilities, or lack thereof? Though you may think she has reverted to child-like behaviors, she is not your child and she deserves your respect.
She will sense it and resent it if you treat her in a child-like manner.
7.
Insist that your siblings participate in some way.
If one lives far away, can he or she be responsible for finances? Routine bills, property management and investments can be handled through online banking.
Ones who live close can come in one or two days a week (at least a half a day) to give you time off.
You will need it and deserve it, as in any job, and it gives others a chance to see just what is involved in caring for your parent.
If additional funding is needed (groceries, incidentals, bills) be sure the expenses are shared by all.
Don't spend down your own resources or make sacrifices that will later impact your long term care.
Helping one's parent age with dignity at home is one of the most loving things you can do.
It has it rewards, but as the primary caregiver, it can impact your life with your siblings and your own family after your parent is gone.
Consider these 7 points and know that even if you hire a caregiver, whether full or part-time, you are providing them with the chance to age in place with love and dignity.
Deciding who that person should be and what their duties need to include, involves lengthy discussions, over time with family and much soul-searching.
Include your parent, and maybe an eldercare health professional and an elder law attorney.
If you decide to be the caregiver consider these 7 points.
1.
Relationship: Of course you love your parent, But do you enjoy being around each other and see eye-to-eye on things that matter? I loved my dad and we had many good times together, but we did not agree on many things, we were both stubborn, and he, as my dad, viewed me as the child - he thought he knew better.
Much of the time we were at loggerheads with one another.
For that reason I hired the primary caregiver; and he and I spent quality time together.
2.
Patience: Can you to listen to and wait for your parent to respond at her own pace even if memory and/or judgment interfere? It's important to allow your loved one to do all of those self-care and daily tasks they are capable of, regardless of how long it takes them.
Only step in to help if they clearly cannot complete what they are attempting to do, or if time is critical.
If you take over tasks they are able to do, you are fostering their dependence on you, making your job harder and you are taking away their sense of self-respect.
3.
Nurturing: can you help with bathing, toileting, dressing or whatever other intimate care is required without judgment, resentment, or being turned off? It is important to maintain your respect for the person your parent is regardless of their capabilities.
4.
Your own lifestyle: do you currently have a job? Can you afford to lose an income and benefits to take on a caregiver job with neither income nor benefits? Do you have a family who needs you? Consider what it will do to your relationship with your husband or kids/grand kids? 5.
Did you choose to do it or did your siblings pick you? You will harbor resentment if you let them talk you into it.
Be sure it's your choice.
It is a hard job, both physically and emotionally, and though it may only be a few daytime hours to begin with, it could turn into a fulltime job or beyond - it could require 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
6.
Respectful: Can you treat your parent with respect, regardless of their state of mind or physical abilities, or lack thereof? Though you may think she has reverted to child-like behaviors, she is not your child and she deserves your respect.
She will sense it and resent it if you treat her in a child-like manner.
7.
Insist that your siblings participate in some way.
If one lives far away, can he or she be responsible for finances? Routine bills, property management and investments can be handled through online banking.
Ones who live close can come in one or two days a week (at least a half a day) to give you time off.
You will need it and deserve it, as in any job, and it gives others a chance to see just what is involved in caring for your parent.
If additional funding is needed (groceries, incidentals, bills) be sure the expenses are shared by all.
Don't spend down your own resources or make sacrifices that will later impact your long term care.
Helping one's parent age with dignity at home is one of the most loving things you can do.
It has it rewards, but as the primary caregiver, it can impact your life with your siblings and your own family after your parent is gone.
Consider these 7 points and know that even if you hire a caregiver, whether full or part-time, you are providing them with the chance to age in place with love and dignity.