As one who has counseled many friends through their divorces--both individually and as a couple--I think most Americans make two big mistakes about divorce.
One, they do not plan for it in any shape or form.
I am not suggesting you enter marriage with the view that it is going to end up in divorce.
But like death, divorce is real for at least 50% of the couple who enter nuptials.
So why not at least give it a thought? And I don't mean on your honeymoon night, but down the road? Second, many of us think of divorce as a personal assault on our virtue, truthfulness and all of the good qualities we think we have.
It is not.
It is simply a disunion.
It does not matter what caused it.
Think of the end game-divorce is a permanent dissolution of marriage and should be dealt with simply as such.
So here are some tips to go through a divorce with minimal misery.
1.
Communicate.
Even if one of the spouses is being a jerk, do not give up trying to communicate.
2.
Be firm when you decide to divorce.
Many spouses make the fatal mistake of saying something like, "If you agree to..
..
..
..
..
..
".
Except in a very minute percentage of cases, decision to divorce is irreconcilable.
3.
The party deciding to divorce should have his/her facts ready.
This includes financial, legal, custodial etc.
Some states, for example have a mandatory counseling period, as well as a no-fault divorce proceeding.
Be fully aware of your rights versus your spouses'.
4.
Do not get a lawyer right away, and if the other spouse is bent to, try to talk the spouse out of it.
Lawyers rarely add any value in the beginning, and should be used only to document decisions made jointly by the spouses.
Otherwise the legal bills will mount and you will get no value.
Worst of all, do not go to lawyers for non-legal advice.
5.
Be franc with your children when the decision is made.
Saying things like "daddy is going to go away for a while, we all love him, don't we?" is stupid and can harm the psyche of a young child.
6.
Do not look back at "memories".
They do nothing to make divorce easier.
7.
By all means get a counselor, preferably someone both respect and know to be impartial.
A priest or a financial advisor who is also a friend is preferable to a fee-paid marriage counselor.
8.
You will find a lot of well-meaning "meddlers".
It is good to listen to them, but be in control of your problems and solutions.
9.
Be aware of any cross-cultural issues when there is an inter-racial marriage.
10.
Quit thinking in emotional terms like "evil", "lies" etc.
Remember, no matter what caused the decision to divorce, there is no point in dwelling on whys and whats once the decision to sever marital ties has been made.
This comes into play, e.
g.
when fighting about custody.
Remember think what is best for children and quit your own squabbles.