Death in Hammer Street
Death in Hammer Street
Police were called to a house in Hammer Street yesterday following reports of a disturbance in the early hours of the morning. When the police arrived at mid-day they found a woman's body on the living room floor. At this point the police can neither confirm nor deny that the victim was wearing a Jedward T-shirt at the time or that the room was decorated exclusively by Laura Ashley. A police spokesman said, "At this point we can make no comment about the state of the living room. We don't want it to adversely effect our investigation as it may stop witnesses coming forward to aid us with our enquiries claiming that she probably deserved it, however I will say that the scene in the living room was very disturbing. There were pretty flowers all over the wall – I've never seen anything like it in my life." With regard to the Jedward T-shirt the spokesperson continued, "All I can say is that the victim was well known within the community for her passion for the Irish twins, and that she lived the life of a recluse." Unconfirmed reports say that following the discovery of a hoard of Jedward paraphernalia some police officers needed to be helped out of the house suffering from extreme nausea and that even Police dogs, brought in to sniff out clues refused to enter the house, preferring instead to clean their genitalia. One young officer has allegedly been seen by a councillor.
The woman was apparently shot in the back but police are not ruling out some kind of extreme contortionism suicide. There were however, signs of struggle, the safe was open, jewellery boxes were emptied and a number of electrical appliances were missing although a CD player containing Jedward singing the hits of Barbara Streisand, was apparently returned hurriedly before the assailant fled the scene. However, suicide still hasn't been ruled out. Detective Chief Inspector Carpetburns of the Norfolk Constabulary said, "If you had seen what we have seen; the poppy and sunflower curtains, the lavender upholstered sofa and the Jedward pictures autographed with big shakey crosses, you would not rule out suicide. There's only so long that people can survive in those conditions."
The assailant did leave a calling card which read "You have just been burgled by the Walpole Cross Keys Cat Burglar." The card had full contact details and even a passport photo of a bald man with a ginger beard and a tattoo on his forehead which read, "Guilty." The assailant had apparently slipped over a tin of bright red paint during the disturbance, leaving fingerprints all over the scene and crimson footprints leading from the house to the village of Walpole Cross Keys. Police are remaining tight-lipped about reports of a struggle, however three of the dozen or so witnesses who apparently saw the whole thing happen say that the victim had a hand-full of ginger-beard hairs grasped tightly in her hands. Police are still looking for DNA evidence to help with their investigation. Other than that Police say they have very little to go on.
Police were called to a house in Hammer Street yesterday following reports of a disturbance in the early hours of the morning. When the police arrived at mid-day they found a woman's body on the living room floor. At this point the police can neither confirm nor deny that the victim was wearing a Jedward T-shirt at the time or that the room was decorated exclusively by Laura Ashley. A police spokesman said, "At this point we can make no comment about the state of the living room. We don't want it to adversely effect our investigation as it may stop witnesses coming forward to aid us with our enquiries claiming that she probably deserved it, however I will say that the scene in the living room was very disturbing. There were pretty flowers all over the wall – I've never seen anything like it in my life." With regard to the Jedward T-shirt the spokesperson continued, "All I can say is that the victim was well known within the community for her passion for the Irish twins, and that she lived the life of a recluse." Unconfirmed reports say that following the discovery of a hoard of Jedward paraphernalia some police officers needed to be helped out of the house suffering from extreme nausea and that even Police dogs, brought in to sniff out clues refused to enter the house, preferring instead to clean their genitalia. One young officer has allegedly been seen by a councillor.
The woman was apparently shot in the back but police are not ruling out some kind of extreme contortionism suicide. There were however, signs of struggle, the safe was open, jewellery boxes were emptied and a number of electrical appliances were missing although a CD player containing Jedward singing the hits of Barbara Streisand, was apparently returned hurriedly before the assailant fled the scene. However, suicide still hasn't been ruled out. Detective Chief Inspector Carpetburns of the Norfolk Constabulary said, "If you had seen what we have seen; the poppy and sunflower curtains, the lavender upholstered sofa and the Jedward pictures autographed with big shakey crosses, you would not rule out suicide. There's only so long that people can survive in those conditions."
The assailant did leave a calling card which read "You have just been burgled by the Walpole Cross Keys Cat Burglar." The card had full contact details and even a passport photo of a bald man with a ginger beard and a tattoo on his forehead which read, "Guilty." The assailant had apparently slipped over a tin of bright red paint during the disturbance, leaving fingerprints all over the scene and crimson footprints leading from the house to the village of Walpole Cross Keys. Police are remaining tight-lipped about reports of a struggle, however three of the dozen or so witnesses who apparently saw the whole thing happen say that the victim had a hand-full of ginger-beard hairs grasped tightly in her hands. Police are still looking for DNA evidence to help with their investigation. Other than that Police say they have very little to go on.