I"m an Ex-Husband, Not and Ex-Parent!
First, I want to thank and congratulate every ex-husband out there who has remained a passionate and committed father to his child(ren) and who gives their mother the respect, gratitude and if warranted, the forgiveness she deserves for being his children's mom.
There are plenty of you out there and I know many of you personally, and you are setting an example to all young men, new husbands and fathers to place their children's wellbeing above all else.
Again, I thank you! Second is to provide awareness to all current and future "ex-husbands" of the severe cost his child pays when he abandons his children, holds on to anger or seeks emotional or physical vengeance upon his ex-wife, whether in the presence of his children or not.
If this article ruffles a few macho feathers out there I have no apologies to offer for that.
The harm done to children from an absent or abusive father is devastating and reaches far beyond his victims, his children and their mother.
The ramification of such mindless behavior from this type of parent/spouse reaches all aspects of our society and indirectly affects the future for my own children.
If I sound bothered to the core of my being, it's because of the stories I have heard, and continue to hear about fathers who are either unaware or could care less about how much their own children need and depend on them for guidance and leadership as they grow into their lives.
I also know however it is not just fathers who are capable of being uncaring and abusive parents.
Moms can be too, but as a single father of two boys that I want to raise to become mindful and caring dads and husbands one day, I am writing this from the perspective of a dad.
I know firsthand if the cycle of being an abusive father and husband, either physical or emotional or both, is not broken it can and will adversely affect his children, for the rest of their lives.
It will negatively affect our child's behavior, self-esteem, self-confidence, social relationships, marriages, careers, academic success and all aspects of their emotional and physical health.
We cannot want this for our children can we,? especially knowing how it feels if we experienced the same in our own childhood.
I do feel sympathy for those dads who are making a conscious effort to change because I know how challenging it is to replace sub-conscious programming, and to change the fathering style we learned from our own fathers requires deep commitment and constant mindfulness and for many getting professional help is extremely helpful or even necessary.
Taking the steps below are what transformed my life and my kids lives after divorce! The First Step! Like everything we do in our life, it ultimately comes down to first making the conscious choice to create change! This requires acknowledging we have aspects about ourselves we NEED to change, and choosing to change them, and the reasons to change are gigantic! Just knowing that making the choice to change will benefit the lives of your children tremendously for ever should be reason enough, but there are so many more benefits.
Committing to BEING the father you want to be will have the opposite effect to those listed above.
Your success in making this attitude and belief changes will have an extremely positive impact on your children's behavior, self-esteem, self-confidence, social relationships, marriages, careers, academic success and all aspects of their emotional and physical health.
What Might Come Up to Stop You? Denial is one of the biggest blockers to making permanent change.
Denial is the subconscious mind fighting to hold on to beliefs that have been "welded" into our way of being since childhood.
We may even consciously know we NEED to replace the limiting or destructive beliefs that dictate who we are and how we react and behave, but the hold our beliefs have on us is extremely strong because in most cases they were instilled when we were just little children ourselves.
Though some of us may have been hurt by our own fathers "style" of parenting, we are sub-consciously programmed to depend on our fathers for guidance and support.
As kids we will believe they are the way they are because they love us and this is just how a father is supposed to be with his kids.
We will truly believe "this is how my father raised me and I turned out fine," even when we can see the hurt in our children's eyes, if we repeatedly tell this to ourselves.
Many of us are unaware of any other way of being a father than being like the man who we looked up to as the greatest man in our little lives.
The Second Step - Be Careful What You Wish For! But accept it when it arrives! My marriage ended just over 2 years ago when our boys were 10 and 7 years old and I was living the "nightmare scenario" I had hoped would never happen to me, and therein lay the first big issue.
This thought was always in the back of my mind; "what would happen if we get divorced with kids?" When I first started getting the feeling that our divorce was imminent, I recall repeating to myself "I just want my boys and I to be happy" and to be perfectly honest, at that time their mother's happiness was not one of my concerns, but I came to learn that her happiness does matter and means everything to our children.
And I have always known what I want most for my children.
I want for them to BE HAPPY.
Okay, so if this is truly what I want and believe, I must do what is necessary to MAKE IT HAPPEN! Set Your Priorities! In order for me to be able to make my kid's mom's happiness important to me there were a few things I needed to do, and these were some of the most beneficial life changing lesson's I have ever learned.
But most importantly, by implementing the following practices into my life I could see the affect on my kids was exactly what I wished for...
they are truly happy and they let me know it all the time! • Ask for what you WANT! - The concept of the "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect is real.
You will manifest into your experience that which you focus repeated thought and emotion on.
So I repeat to myself over and over "I will be the best father and ex-husband I can be and I will stop at nothing to make it happen.
" • Learn to forgive - Know you are forgiving for yourself and your kids.
Practicing forgiveness will not only reap huge benefits to you, but you will be modeling an ability that your children will inherit and benefit from forever.
• BELIEVE THIS! - The very best thing I can do to ensure my children's happiness after divorce is to LOVE THEIR MOTHER and wish nothing but the very best for her! I'm not saying to be "in-love" but rather love her for her contribution to your life.
This last step as you can imagine, is the one I get the most reaction to, especially from men who are allowing themselves to make the ending of their marriage to be a bad experience, but for their children this is THE most important step.
Regardless of the mountain of judgments and criticisms I could make up about my kid's mom, I can choose to be forgiving and grateful to her for carrying and giving birth to my children, and for being their mom.
This is not difficult when all I need to do is look at my kids.
What she went through both physically and emotionally giving birth to my children I will never comprehend and I can't help but be thankful to her forever! When I intentionally think this way the judgments and criticisms disappear.
It is simply a choice to do what it takes to create an environment for our kids that allows them flourish and be happy, and they are so worth our stepping up and letting go of our macho ego and male pride.
I put my children's happiness at the top of my priority list and would trade my life to ensure it for them.
To forgive and love their mother requires only a small effort comparatively, but returns massive rewards to all of us that will last a lifetime.
It is okay for a dad to teach his children to be compassionate, loving, grateful and forgiving by modeling it for them and doing so multiplies exponentially his children's chances of leading an amazingly joyful and exciting life! Contact me for "Divorced Dad Coaching" using the contact information below.
There are plenty of you out there and I know many of you personally, and you are setting an example to all young men, new husbands and fathers to place their children's wellbeing above all else.
Again, I thank you! Second is to provide awareness to all current and future "ex-husbands" of the severe cost his child pays when he abandons his children, holds on to anger or seeks emotional or physical vengeance upon his ex-wife, whether in the presence of his children or not.
If this article ruffles a few macho feathers out there I have no apologies to offer for that.
The harm done to children from an absent or abusive father is devastating and reaches far beyond his victims, his children and their mother.
The ramification of such mindless behavior from this type of parent/spouse reaches all aspects of our society and indirectly affects the future for my own children.
If I sound bothered to the core of my being, it's because of the stories I have heard, and continue to hear about fathers who are either unaware or could care less about how much their own children need and depend on them for guidance and leadership as they grow into their lives.
I also know however it is not just fathers who are capable of being uncaring and abusive parents.
Moms can be too, but as a single father of two boys that I want to raise to become mindful and caring dads and husbands one day, I am writing this from the perspective of a dad.
I know firsthand if the cycle of being an abusive father and husband, either physical or emotional or both, is not broken it can and will adversely affect his children, for the rest of their lives.
It will negatively affect our child's behavior, self-esteem, self-confidence, social relationships, marriages, careers, academic success and all aspects of their emotional and physical health.
We cannot want this for our children can we,? especially knowing how it feels if we experienced the same in our own childhood.
I do feel sympathy for those dads who are making a conscious effort to change because I know how challenging it is to replace sub-conscious programming, and to change the fathering style we learned from our own fathers requires deep commitment and constant mindfulness and for many getting professional help is extremely helpful or even necessary.
Taking the steps below are what transformed my life and my kids lives after divorce! The First Step! Like everything we do in our life, it ultimately comes down to first making the conscious choice to create change! This requires acknowledging we have aspects about ourselves we NEED to change, and choosing to change them, and the reasons to change are gigantic! Just knowing that making the choice to change will benefit the lives of your children tremendously for ever should be reason enough, but there are so many more benefits.
Committing to BEING the father you want to be will have the opposite effect to those listed above.
Your success in making this attitude and belief changes will have an extremely positive impact on your children's behavior, self-esteem, self-confidence, social relationships, marriages, careers, academic success and all aspects of their emotional and physical health.
What Might Come Up to Stop You? Denial is one of the biggest blockers to making permanent change.
Denial is the subconscious mind fighting to hold on to beliefs that have been "welded" into our way of being since childhood.
We may even consciously know we NEED to replace the limiting or destructive beliefs that dictate who we are and how we react and behave, but the hold our beliefs have on us is extremely strong because in most cases they were instilled when we were just little children ourselves.
Though some of us may have been hurt by our own fathers "style" of parenting, we are sub-consciously programmed to depend on our fathers for guidance and support.
As kids we will believe they are the way they are because they love us and this is just how a father is supposed to be with his kids.
We will truly believe "this is how my father raised me and I turned out fine," even when we can see the hurt in our children's eyes, if we repeatedly tell this to ourselves.
Many of us are unaware of any other way of being a father than being like the man who we looked up to as the greatest man in our little lives.
The Second Step - Be Careful What You Wish For! But accept it when it arrives! My marriage ended just over 2 years ago when our boys were 10 and 7 years old and I was living the "nightmare scenario" I had hoped would never happen to me, and therein lay the first big issue.
This thought was always in the back of my mind; "what would happen if we get divorced with kids?" When I first started getting the feeling that our divorce was imminent, I recall repeating to myself "I just want my boys and I to be happy" and to be perfectly honest, at that time their mother's happiness was not one of my concerns, but I came to learn that her happiness does matter and means everything to our children.
And I have always known what I want most for my children.
I want for them to BE HAPPY.
Okay, so if this is truly what I want and believe, I must do what is necessary to MAKE IT HAPPEN! Set Your Priorities! In order for me to be able to make my kid's mom's happiness important to me there were a few things I needed to do, and these were some of the most beneficial life changing lesson's I have ever learned.
But most importantly, by implementing the following practices into my life I could see the affect on my kids was exactly what I wished for...
they are truly happy and they let me know it all the time! • Ask for what you WANT! - The concept of the "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect is real.
You will manifest into your experience that which you focus repeated thought and emotion on.
So I repeat to myself over and over "I will be the best father and ex-husband I can be and I will stop at nothing to make it happen.
" • Learn to forgive - Know you are forgiving for yourself and your kids.
Practicing forgiveness will not only reap huge benefits to you, but you will be modeling an ability that your children will inherit and benefit from forever.
• BELIEVE THIS! - The very best thing I can do to ensure my children's happiness after divorce is to LOVE THEIR MOTHER and wish nothing but the very best for her! I'm not saying to be "in-love" but rather love her for her contribution to your life.
This last step as you can imagine, is the one I get the most reaction to, especially from men who are allowing themselves to make the ending of their marriage to be a bad experience, but for their children this is THE most important step.
Regardless of the mountain of judgments and criticisms I could make up about my kid's mom, I can choose to be forgiving and grateful to her for carrying and giving birth to my children, and for being their mom.
This is not difficult when all I need to do is look at my kids.
What she went through both physically and emotionally giving birth to my children I will never comprehend and I can't help but be thankful to her forever! When I intentionally think this way the judgments and criticisms disappear.
It is simply a choice to do what it takes to create an environment for our kids that allows them flourish and be happy, and they are so worth our stepping up and letting go of our macho ego and male pride.
I put my children's happiness at the top of my priority list and would trade my life to ensure it for them.
To forgive and love their mother requires only a small effort comparatively, but returns massive rewards to all of us that will last a lifetime.
It is okay for a dad to teach his children to be compassionate, loving, grateful and forgiving by modeling it for them and doing so multiplies exponentially his children's chances of leading an amazingly joyful and exciting life! Contact me for "Divorced Dad Coaching" using the contact information below.