I love being a woman; it seems so much more fun and enlivening than being a man.
BUT, from the beginning of time, women have been expected to be the caretakers of others - men, children, friends, and family.
Of course, we love, nurturing.
Why wouldn't we want to be caretakers? Well, here's one reason: when we do so at our own expense, that's not healthy.
Too many of us are overly responsible - doing for others what they can do for themselves.
As a marriage and family therapist, I hear dozens of stories every week about women being "too good for your own good," to use the title of an old but very significant book.
The authors list 9 ways that women tend to be overly responsible: 1.
You protect people's feelings by not saying what's on your mind 2.
You have a hard time saying no 3.
You assume you know what's going on in another person's mind and adjust your behavior accordingly 4.
You feel guilty or angry if other people are upset 5.
You feel you can't ask for what you need or want 6.
You feel it's up to you to make people happy by giving them your time or attention 7.
You do things for other people that they could or should do for themselves 8.
You feel you should advice, direct, or comment on the way other people do things 9.
In any family, work, group, or other relationship activity, you take on more than your fair share of the work.
Did you laugh or cry as you read any of them? In the women's retreats I run, women read through this list and are struck realizing how much they do for others.
Here are just a few of their typical explanations: "It's easier to say yes than no.
" "I don't like to cause a fight; I'd rather be a peace maker and just go ahead and do whatever is asked.
" "I know I should tell my husband and children they can take care of their own laundry, pick up their own stuff, share dinner preparation with me, but it's just easier to do it myself.
I hate to hear them complain and whine.
" "I want my boss to like me, appreciate how much I do for him.
Maybe then he'll give me a raise.
" "I want to avoid conflict.
" As you look over the list, which ones stand out to you? What explanations do you give yourself as to why you still do it? Here are some things that may surprise you: there's no such thing as avoiding conflict; doing more for others doesn't necessarily gain you their appreciation; a peacemaker never really keeps the peace; and in the end, saying Yes is actually much harder for you then saying No.
If you decide you want to start being good for you instead of too good to others, be prepared.
If you change, that means others will have to change as a result.
So, they may want to hold out, hoping you'll slip back to your old ways.
For example, you tell your siblings you will only go over to your aged parents' home once a week from now on, not every day as you have been doing..
Be prepared for them to call and tell you your mom needs something, with the assumption you'll be the one to run over.
You'll need to hold firm with something like, "I'm sorry I can't do it, but I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to help Mom.
" Then, sit on your hands, hide your own car keys, do whatever you have to in order to wait out the situation.
Either it's not urgent or your sibling will take care of the problem herself.
The same thing with your husband, your children, and your boss.
But, doing only as much as you want to, only what makes sense to you is tough to figure out.
How much giving is too much? The truth is, you probably already know.
When you get the call or request pay attention to your insides.
If you are taking on too much responsibility, you'll hear the inner voice that you have spent years silencing.
Start listening.
In the end, you'll feel better about yourself, and chances are, over time, others will respect you more.