For many spouses who feel they are stuck in a painful, difficult marriage the looming question in their lives is: to stay or not to stay? Bob is a good example.
 He wrote me an email about his wife's financial infidelity enumerating what she has done during their twenty year marriage.
 Here are some of the details: She pawned her engagement ring, wedding ring, and guard ring.
 She told Bob they fell down the sink, or one of the kids took it when a ring disappeared.
She skimmed money from checks dedicated for food shopping.
She kited checks between their bank accounts.
She stole Bob's identity and forged his name on loan and credit card applications.
She forged his name as the seller on the car title to obtain a new title in her name alone for loan collateral.
She hid and discarded bank statements and billing statements.
She unplugged the phone so Bob wouldn't receive calls from collection agents when he was at home.
She embarrassed him with the bank president, who was a good friend of his, by reporting that he had kited checks that got him kicked out of the bank.
When their eighteen year old son lost his wallet she said she would close his account for him.
 Instead she wrote thirty bad checks against his account.
  These behaviors paint the picture of financial infidelity gone wild.
 In my experience there is typically an addiction behind this behavior that demands money to be fed.
Shopping, alcohol, drugs, sex and love, and gambling are the most common addictions involved.
Bob moved out for 14 months and filed for divorce.
 In the divorce process he learned that he would be left with one-third of his income, not enough to rent a place in their neighborhood.
  To quote him, Bob wrote, "(I) gave up and went back for all the wrong reasons-money, the kids, the dog, the house, and maybe her somewhere.
" His wife's behavior didn't change during the following year.
She continued to deceive him.
  Bob moved out and is now living again at his mother's.
He is asking himself whether to stay or to leave.
  And he is asking whether he can start a new life being close to 50 years old.
  He is deeply conflicted whether to divorce or not.
This is a big decision.
 It would be easy to tell Bob he should leave given how he has been treated by his wife.
 Yet, for twenty painful years he has managed to stay.
Clearly there are factors that keep him in his marriage.
 One that Bob acknowledges is that his parents were divorced and he knows that pain from his own childhood and does not want to do that to his kids.
  Here are other possibilities that serve to keep someone attached and unable to leave a relationship: One common factor in staying is familiarity.
  We all do things by habit, and it is difficult to change what we are used to, what is familiar.
  "Familiar," the word, comes from the same root as "family.
"   It is difficult to change our habits.
Many people stay married as a habit.
Many spouses stay married for the sake of their children.
  For the stability of the family this is helpful.
  The downside to staying for the children is that their model for marriage is one in which the husband and wife do not demonstrate love for each other but more staying together out of duty.
  The parents frequently become triangulated over their children since without putting one another first they are inclined to make one of their children a surrogate spouse or more the center of their attention than would normally happen.
Another common factor is co-dependence in which one partner has an addiction (like spending) and the other enables that addiction.
  The study of families with alcohol dependence discerned the common pattern of the addict and the enabler, the partner who enabled the addict by cleaning up the mess and even bringing home the alcohol.
  The too dependent co-dependent is typically married to an anti-dependent co-dependent.
  They go through a dance in which the anti-dependent partner focuses on his/her addiction (like spending or drinking) which pushes their partner away.
  Their too dependent partner is clinging and holding on for fear of  feeling abandoned and typically wants to get their partner back or else get even with them.
  Their relationship typically goes through repeated cycles of breaking apart and coming back together again.
   In making his decisions Bob needs to be clear with himself whether any of these factors apply to him.
 He needs to be clear with himself about his choice and be clear he is doing what is best for himself, what makes sense.
  If he honestly respects himself and takes care of himself he will do what is best for his children too.
  He will feel respecting of himself and he will be in his best position to be there for his children and to take care of them as well.