You don't get to forty years of age without your fair share of disastrous relationships - and I've had more than my fair share.
I'm giving the whole business a wide berth from now on.
After all, what do I need a man for? I've been of this opinion for a year now and there have been some times along the way when, as much as it pains me to say it, I could have done with a man around.
There was the time when the car died and I had to take it to the garage by myself.
Several ridiculous pounds later I came away with the feeling that I had been severely ripped off due to my lack of mechanical knowledge.
There was the time the cat died and I had to bury her myself.
Picking up the cold, stiff body of something I loved so dearly should have been a man's department (or a man!).
There's the occasion every Sunday evening when it comes to putting out the rubbish.
A man may be oblivious to bin juice but not me and having that poured all over my slippers is one of the more gross things I have to put up with.
Spider catching now comes down to me.
Launching a coffee table at the eight legged freak running across the lounge carpet is a little over the top I am told, but they didn't see the size of it! Last night's incident involving a cork screw and a corked bottle of wine just tipped me over the edge and I feel the need to act.
I spend the next few weeks formulating my plan to put an end to mine, and other women's singledom dilemmas.
I believe a new design is called for.
One that doesn't scratch, moan, snore, grow a beer belly and demand full power over the remote control.
I have contacted a company that can help with my new product design.
At our first consultation, we sit and discuss my idea, formulating a design that my consultants believe we can eventually patent and mass produce with industrial design adaptations.
A 3D image first produced needs a little work, I have to say.
A little larger across the chest please, a little leaner in the leg please.
And for heaven's sake put a smile on it or I might mistake it for the real thing! The company eventually produce a product design a little closer to what I have in mind.
It looks like a man and will be programmable for all the jobs a man can do without the socks to wash and the random toenails left in the carpet.
The company manufacture my new model from metalwork.
All he needs is the occasional oil and wipe with a soft cloth, none of this meat and two veg business.
For all the requests I am going to demand of this product, computer solutions are needed to be as flexible as possible.
Firstly my product design, and I will be calling him Gerald from now on, will be programmed with a few key phrases.
'Yes dear' being the main one, swiftly followed by 'wow, you look gorgeous' and 'no, you're bum doesn't look big in that'.
What else do I need? General daily activities are programmed into Gerald, bin days, wash day, ironing etc.
Also essential is the necessary inbuilt toolbox for car maintenance.
Next is the added extras: the electronic corkscrew on the hand, spare sockets in the chest for extreme ironing anywhere in the house and the extra padding that can be applied to the hands for foot massaging.
But my favourite part of Gerald's product design? The shutdown switch.
Man, this is fun - I get Gerald to tell me all the things I want to hear while he massages away and I drink my wine.
Then I take full charge of the remote control and switch him off for the night.
Perfect!