I often write about moving past cheating and affairs. Sometimes, I get wives who write to me and say something like: "do I really have to forgive my husband's cheating, because I don't think I can. I try to, but something always sets me back. Is forgiveness really necessary?" 

I typically answer that while forgiveness is not a mandated requirement (you're always entitled to your own feelings), it is eventually going to be necessary if you chose to save your marriage.  You can not be happy and secure with a man if you haven't forgiven him, still harbor resentment, and don't really, deep in your heart, trust him.

And, forgiveness if often more about you than it is about him.  Don't beat yourself up if you're not at this place yet. It often takes quite a while and many times, you can't get there if you don't have every single thing that you need to move on.  I'll explain this more in the following article.

Forgiveness Doesn't Mean That You Aren't Holding Him Accountable For His Cheating: Many people mistakenly think that forgiving your cheating husband is the same as giving him a get out of jail free pass.  It really isn't. You can forgive him and still be very conscious of his actions and still hold him accountable for them. It also doesn't mean that you aren't going to be observing what is going on around you.

What it really means is that you've taken inventory and have decided that the anger, hurt, and pain, is really an anchor around your leg and you'd like to swim rather than drown.  You're choosing to focus on whatever positive that you can find whether than dwelling continuously on the negative.  You know that eventually you have to overcome the fear and doubt because you no longer want to live your life in paranoid limbo.  Does this let him off the hook? Not really.  It lets YOU off the hook.

Discovering What You Need To Forgive The Cheating: Often when women tell me that no matter how hard they try, they just can't forgive, I ask them to write down their most persuasive feelings.  In other words, what is plaguing them – day by day.  Many will say things like mistrust, resentment, and anger.  So, then what you do is that you break these things down and ask yourself what actions on your husbands part would help to alleviate this for you.

Do you not feel that you can trust him? Well, speak up then and make sure that you find a way to get the reassurance that you need.  Ask for his email passwords, access to his phone, or make sure that he checks in regularly. Do whatever you need to do to get rid of these doubts.

Resentment and anger will often loosen their grip if over time he demonstrates that he's willing to make this right.  He needs to pleasantly surprise you with his understanding, patience, and commitment – time and time again.  This repetitive cycle will often begin to give you some reassurance.  After a while, you'll find that you're actually looking forward to interacting with him rather than avoiding it.  Ultimately, you want to give your marriage a fresh, new make over so that it looks nothing like the marriage you were limping along with before.  You want for both people to be secure and excited.  This just takes time, with one positive experience feeding onto another.

When You Just Can't Forgive: Sometimes, enough time has gone by and enough things have been tried to know that you gave it your best effort.  I sometimes have women who tell me that they realize after a while that the affair was a deal breaker for them.  They just can't move past it.  They are able to take a rational, hard look at the situation and they are unable to separate the act of cheating with the person that their husband was.  The inability to move on has eroded so many aspects of the marriage that they're willing to turn their back on years of memories and their family core to start again.

This is absolutely OK.  There is no right or wrong answer.  Everyone has to live their own truth.  And, ultimately, I find that many of the women who cut the cord will sometimes eventually, after years of time and distance, decide to move on and let go rather than look back.  No, they couldn't move on with their husbands but they can move on now.  And, that's what works for them. Every one is different.

I do know that for me, I knew that I wasn't going to be whole if I split up my family.  I would always have regret.  Although the affair was my husband's mistake and not mine, I was responsible for how I chose to deal with the aftermath of it.  I struggled with forgiveness for what seemed like forever until one day I decided that I was ready to move on, that I no longer wanted to live under the shadow of the huge elephant in the room. 

So, I was honest with my husband and asked for what I needed. I didn't get it immediately and I often had to redirect him and myself.  Ultimately, I had to work on my self worth and my self esteem, but in the end, I got there, and I no longer look back on those events as anything that I couldn't ultimately navigate my way around. 

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair and forgiveness is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. It took a lot of work and healing, but today my marriage is actually stronger than it ever was before. I also did a lot of work on myself and am happier as the result. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and my self esteem is at an all time high. I know longer worry my husband will cheat again. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://surviving-the-affair.com/