Introductions be Damned - A stutterer"s point of view
href="/links/?u=http://musingsstutterer.blogspot.com/">[http://musingsstutterer.blogspot.com/]
I hate introductions. Not just hate but loath. If I could wrap introductions in a tarp, tie a cement block on them, and throw them off the Narrows bridge, I would.
But, alas! Since this is a new blog I suppose we have to start off with an introduction. It is the polite thing to do, after all.
I am a stutterer. Have been for pretty much all of my life. In fact I cannot recall not stuttering, and yet, strangely, I know (from my family and my friends) that there were periods in my life when I didn't stutter. Perhaps, my brain in some ill mannered fit of irony saw fit to repress those happy memories of verbal fluency. Instead of blocking out some traumatic event, it blocked out periods of being a sweet, innocent prepubescent boy with words rushing out of my mouth like some veritable, verbal Niagara Falls. Oh, what glorious days those must have been.
The puberty fairy came with brick and mortar in hand and stopped my word torrent up, though. Now, in place of that once magnificent and gushing waterfall, I have a leaky faucet with handles rusted shut. Only a small trickle gets out of the pipes now. The rest is plugged up in the reservoir of my brain, decaying and trapped.
Ok, ok, now that I have that dramatic picture sewed up in your minds let me clarify. My stutter is actually fairly mild. On good days I can pass for not having a stutter at all, well, on really good days I can do that anyway. My usual disfluency is likely manifest in the elongation of the beginning of words, "aaaaaaardvark" instead of aardvark, and just complete, utter verbal and mental blocks. These blocks are difficult to describe to someone who doesn't have them, but it is akin to having your mouth, tongue, and brain just freeze and seize up, like an engine with no oil coming to a halt. One minute you're going a bazillion miles per hour then wham! you are stuck, immobile. Sometimes I'll repeat sounds in the stereotypical stuttering way, "aar-aar-aaar-aardvark." Often I seem to have more difficulty with words that begin with vowels which brings me to why I hate introductions. Stutters have certain sounds and letters they don't get along with, mine just happen to be vowels. And p's. Oh, and b's. And s's too. And...well...I'll save those for another post.
My first name is Alex. So, when I introduce myself it usually sounds like this, "Hello. My name is Aaaaaalex." People usually respond in one of two ways. They'll either raise their eyebrows in a mocking manner and repeat my stutter, "Oh, your name is Aaaaaaaalex, huh?" and then laugh a bit, like my idea of a funny joke is stretching out my name out to absurd lengths. Or people will stare blankly into my face, tilt their eyebrows downward in a quizzical manner. It is as if they are trying to decode some secret meaning as to why in the world I put eighty A's at the beginning of my name.
My rational mind knows that both of these responses are just people trying to make sense out of something they probably have little to no experience with. Most people don't know any stutterers and their experience is limited to Porky Pig or that dog assassin guy in "A Fish Called Wanda." My rational mind knows and even thinks that if the roles were reversed I'd do the same thing. But my rational mind gets trounced by my emotional mind.
At hearing and seeing those two responses my emotional mind has just been reminded of every embarrassment, every inadequacy, every insufficiency I have. My emotional mind either looks for some rock to hide under or brass knuckles to punch this person out with. My emotional mind has just been torn to shreds.
In ten seconds you've learned my name. In ten seconds I have relived every instance of loathing for myself and the way I talk.
That is why I hate introductions.
Read more at the blog: [http://musingsstutterer.blogspot.com/]
I hate introductions. Not just hate but loath. If I could wrap introductions in a tarp, tie a cement block on them, and throw them off the Narrows bridge, I would.
But, alas! Since this is a new blog I suppose we have to start off with an introduction. It is the polite thing to do, after all.
I am a stutterer. Have been for pretty much all of my life. In fact I cannot recall not stuttering, and yet, strangely, I know (from my family and my friends) that there were periods in my life when I didn't stutter. Perhaps, my brain in some ill mannered fit of irony saw fit to repress those happy memories of verbal fluency. Instead of blocking out some traumatic event, it blocked out periods of being a sweet, innocent prepubescent boy with words rushing out of my mouth like some veritable, verbal Niagara Falls. Oh, what glorious days those must have been.
The puberty fairy came with brick and mortar in hand and stopped my word torrent up, though. Now, in place of that once magnificent and gushing waterfall, I have a leaky faucet with handles rusted shut. Only a small trickle gets out of the pipes now. The rest is plugged up in the reservoir of my brain, decaying and trapped.
Ok, ok, now that I have that dramatic picture sewed up in your minds let me clarify. My stutter is actually fairly mild. On good days I can pass for not having a stutter at all, well, on really good days I can do that anyway. My usual disfluency is likely manifest in the elongation of the beginning of words, "aaaaaaardvark" instead of aardvark, and just complete, utter verbal and mental blocks. These blocks are difficult to describe to someone who doesn't have them, but it is akin to having your mouth, tongue, and brain just freeze and seize up, like an engine with no oil coming to a halt. One minute you're going a bazillion miles per hour then wham! you are stuck, immobile. Sometimes I'll repeat sounds in the stereotypical stuttering way, "aar-aar-aaar-aardvark." Often I seem to have more difficulty with words that begin with vowels which brings me to why I hate introductions. Stutters have certain sounds and letters they don't get along with, mine just happen to be vowels. And p's. Oh, and b's. And s's too. And...well...I'll save those for another post.
My first name is Alex. So, when I introduce myself it usually sounds like this, "Hello. My name is Aaaaaalex." People usually respond in one of two ways. They'll either raise their eyebrows in a mocking manner and repeat my stutter, "Oh, your name is Aaaaaaaalex, huh?" and then laugh a bit, like my idea of a funny joke is stretching out my name out to absurd lengths. Or people will stare blankly into my face, tilt their eyebrows downward in a quizzical manner. It is as if they are trying to decode some secret meaning as to why in the world I put eighty A's at the beginning of my name.
My rational mind knows that both of these responses are just people trying to make sense out of something they probably have little to no experience with. Most people don't know any stutterers and their experience is limited to Porky Pig or that dog assassin guy in "A Fish Called Wanda." My rational mind knows and even thinks that if the roles were reversed I'd do the same thing. But my rational mind gets trounced by my emotional mind.
At hearing and seeing those two responses my emotional mind has just been reminded of every embarrassment, every inadequacy, every insufficiency I have. My emotional mind either looks for some rock to hide under or brass knuckles to punch this person out with. My emotional mind has just been torn to shreds.
In ten seconds you've learned my name. In ten seconds I have relived every instance of loathing for myself and the way I talk.
That is why I hate introductions.
Read more at the blog: [http://musingsstutterer.blogspot.com/]