Emotional Intelligence and Leadership - Part Two
Emotional Intelligence skill number 2: Self control.
There is a well-known proverb: act in haste, repent at leisure.
We all do it sometimes: when we are under pressure we can often feel frustrated, upset, annoyed or some other such negative emotion.
As a result, we may say or do things in a way which have a negative impact on others.
The problem with this of course, is it can begin a chain reaction of negativity which is more than likely going to take time and effort to put right, and which may damage workplace motivation and performance.
Have you ever experienced this with someone at work? Here's an example.
Scenario 1: The Knee-jerk reaction One of your staff, whom you do find difficult to get on with at the best of times, has been late for work four times already this month - and you've already spoken to them once about it, (quite reasonably in your opinion).
They arrive late again today - and you make some abrupt, rather sarcastic comment in front of three other staff.
You're feeling? Frustration.
Your response? Sarcasm.
Their response? Defensive - maybe anger.
(Even if they're in the wrong - they're feeling stung you're criticising them in front of others) Does your reaction solve anything? Doubtful.
Scenario 2: Over-controlling your feelings Imagine this time, in this same scenario, rather than vent your frustration at the repeated poor timing, you don't say anything at all because you feel uncomfortable about tackling this.
You might make a mental note you'll tackle it later, but often "later" never comes because there never seems to be an appropriate moment, because it's "hassle" or because you are worried it might make matters worse.
Instead, you might raise it 3 months later in a formal appraisal review.
This is probably the most unhelpful response you could have chosen! The problem is, if you don't actually communicate your feelings in a constructive way to others, 1) The unwanted behaviour is unlikely to change 2) Others in the team perceive it is "OK" to behave in that way.
3) Others perceive you as "weak" and unfair: they see someone flouting "the rules" and you doing nothing about it.
4) Your confidence is weakened to tackle other "uncomfortable" issues.
The skill is to recognise your emotions, and find a way of communicating with the other person, in a way which retains respect and good will, yet makes your feelings and your expectations crystal clear.
Emotional intelligence requires you do not lose sight of your goal, at the expense of emotions.
In the scenario outlined above, your goal is to restore good time-keeping and maintain motivation in employees.
Five tips to help you develop your emotional intelligence muscle: 1) If you're about to turn into an exocet missile - keep off the trigger! Put some time between you and the incident.
(It's no coincidence you read articles about counting to ten to calm yourself down.
This is based in sound human physiology - our brain processes emotional responses first, and rational thinking second.
Giving yourself a little space between your knee-jerk reaction and your final action, allows you to choose your response a little more wisely.
) 2) How do you feel about dealing with tricky situations? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you fear being firm or disagreeing with someone might result in people not liking you? Do you back off to avoid hassle?Using emotional intelligence skill number one, that of self-awareness, begin to examinehow your own feelings of worry and discomfort interfere with achieving your goals, and ask yourself if these emotions are serving you or hindering you from achieving your aim.
3) Focus on the outcome you want.
Get as clear as you can about the ideal resolution.
If you are clear what you want, you'll feel more confident and it helps you decide how to express it.
One key tip here.
Don't just decide what you want, but decide how you want the other person to feel at the end of the discussion too.
So, with the "late" scenario - yes, you want the individual to improve their time-keeping, but you also want to keep them on-side and motivated.
Whatever tactics you choose, think about how you can achieve both.
4) Try the "fake it till you make it" method! Presumably, you want to appear calm, unruffled and supportive?Think of a time when you do feel these things.
What does that look like? How do you talk? Hold yourself? Breathe?Think of the non-verbal cues you give out when you are calm.
Practise adopting these behaviours the next time you feel mildly irritated.
5) Keep practising the skill of self control.
Emotional intelligence can be learned, but as with any other skill, it requires practice and consistency.
Think of it as a muscle: in the same way you build muscle through repetition, you can build emotional muscle and resilience through controlling your emotions.
If you've had a tendency to "fly off the handle", or to avoid what you see as "confrontation" for the last 20 years, don't expect that habit to change overnight.
However, practising flexing this "emotional muscle" will not only pay dividends in terms of improving working relationships with your staff and colleagues, studies are now showing that if we build discipline in one area of our lives, it spills out into other areas too.
So, not only will your team performance improve, you could find yourself losing weight, or stopping smoking or handling your awkward teenager more effectively as an added bonus! Your confidence will also soar.
Remember, your worst enemy in frustrating situations is your own quick reaction.
The first thing you need to do when dealing with a difficult person or situation is not to control the behaviour of the other person(s), but to control your own!
There is a well-known proverb: act in haste, repent at leisure.
We all do it sometimes: when we are under pressure we can often feel frustrated, upset, annoyed or some other such negative emotion.
As a result, we may say or do things in a way which have a negative impact on others.
The problem with this of course, is it can begin a chain reaction of negativity which is more than likely going to take time and effort to put right, and which may damage workplace motivation and performance.
Have you ever experienced this with someone at work? Here's an example.
Scenario 1: The Knee-jerk reaction One of your staff, whom you do find difficult to get on with at the best of times, has been late for work four times already this month - and you've already spoken to them once about it, (quite reasonably in your opinion).
They arrive late again today - and you make some abrupt, rather sarcastic comment in front of three other staff.
You're feeling? Frustration.
Your response? Sarcasm.
Their response? Defensive - maybe anger.
(Even if they're in the wrong - they're feeling stung you're criticising them in front of others) Does your reaction solve anything? Doubtful.
Scenario 2: Over-controlling your feelings Imagine this time, in this same scenario, rather than vent your frustration at the repeated poor timing, you don't say anything at all because you feel uncomfortable about tackling this.
You might make a mental note you'll tackle it later, but often "later" never comes because there never seems to be an appropriate moment, because it's "hassle" or because you are worried it might make matters worse.
Instead, you might raise it 3 months later in a formal appraisal review.
This is probably the most unhelpful response you could have chosen! The problem is, if you don't actually communicate your feelings in a constructive way to others, 1) The unwanted behaviour is unlikely to change 2) Others in the team perceive it is "OK" to behave in that way.
3) Others perceive you as "weak" and unfair: they see someone flouting "the rules" and you doing nothing about it.
4) Your confidence is weakened to tackle other "uncomfortable" issues.
The skill is to recognise your emotions, and find a way of communicating with the other person, in a way which retains respect and good will, yet makes your feelings and your expectations crystal clear.
Emotional intelligence requires you do not lose sight of your goal, at the expense of emotions.
In the scenario outlined above, your goal is to restore good time-keeping and maintain motivation in employees.
Five tips to help you develop your emotional intelligence muscle: 1) If you're about to turn into an exocet missile - keep off the trigger! Put some time between you and the incident.
(It's no coincidence you read articles about counting to ten to calm yourself down.
This is based in sound human physiology - our brain processes emotional responses first, and rational thinking second.
Giving yourself a little space between your knee-jerk reaction and your final action, allows you to choose your response a little more wisely.
) 2) How do you feel about dealing with tricky situations? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you fear being firm or disagreeing with someone might result in people not liking you? Do you back off to avoid hassle?Using emotional intelligence skill number one, that of self-awareness, begin to examinehow your own feelings of worry and discomfort interfere with achieving your goals, and ask yourself if these emotions are serving you or hindering you from achieving your aim.
3) Focus on the outcome you want.
Get as clear as you can about the ideal resolution.
If you are clear what you want, you'll feel more confident and it helps you decide how to express it.
One key tip here.
Don't just decide what you want, but decide how you want the other person to feel at the end of the discussion too.
So, with the "late" scenario - yes, you want the individual to improve their time-keeping, but you also want to keep them on-side and motivated.
Whatever tactics you choose, think about how you can achieve both.
4) Try the "fake it till you make it" method! Presumably, you want to appear calm, unruffled and supportive?Think of a time when you do feel these things.
What does that look like? How do you talk? Hold yourself? Breathe?Think of the non-verbal cues you give out when you are calm.
Practise adopting these behaviours the next time you feel mildly irritated.
5) Keep practising the skill of self control.
Emotional intelligence can be learned, but as with any other skill, it requires practice and consistency.
Think of it as a muscle: in the same way you build muscle through repetition, you can build emotional muscle and resilience through controlling your emotions.
If you've had a tendency to "fly off the handle", or to avoid what you see as "confrontation" for the last 20 years, don't expect that habit to change overnight.
However, practising flexing this "emotional muscle" will not only pay dividends in terms of improving working relationships with your staff and colleagues, studies are now showing that if we build discipline in one area of our lives, it spills out into other areas too.
So, not only will your team performance improve, you could find yourself losing weight, or stopping smoking or handling your awkward teenager more effectively as an added bonus! Your confidence will also soar.
Remember, your worst enemy in frustrating situations is your own quick reaction.
The first thing you need to do when dealing with a difficult person or situation is not to control the behaviour of the other person(s), but to control your own!