Two (Perhaps) Surprising Important Ingredients for a Good Marriage
I'm not talking about doing things together; I'm not even talking about sharing feelings, or making love.
These are important, but everyone knows them.
I'm talking about having good arguments with your husband/partner and having women friendships - separate from your mate.
Let's start with the good arguments.
As a marriage and family therapist, I always worry when couples tell me they never argue.
It really is hard to imagine people living together and never getting annoyed by the other.
Two people are bound to have differences in style and behaviors.
And, then, there are all the gender differences that I have written about that are bound to cause annoyances.
Yet, what is wrong with being angry at your spouse? Being in touch with your anger is empowering.
Empowerment comes from acknowledging the anger and then deciding the best way to express it.
Denial, walking around stuffing the feeling, only leads to greater problems later.
The end result of addressing your anger (if done well) is coming to some resolution - so the issue never needs to be raised again.
What typically happens, though, is people mix up the feeling of anger with how the expression of anger - how the anger is expressed.
The feeling of anger is normal and in fact, if you breathe, you feel.
And, anger is a feeling.
The expression of that feeling, though, can range from one extreme of violence to the opposite extreme of denial - "Who me? I'm not angry.
" So, it is very loving to be honest with your spouse about your anger - as long as you speak from your feelings without accusations, as long as you aren't frequently dumping a long list of complaints.
Elsewhere, I have described a 15 step process for having A Good Argument.
Now, the second ingredient for having a good marriage is friendship with same sex friends - separate from your mate.
Think about it this way: your husband is your best friend; you are upset with your best friend, so who do you talk to about it? But, that's just a minor reason to have good friendships apart from your marriage.
When couples love each other and spend much of their (albeit limited) spare time together, they essentially recycle themselves.
By each of you doing things with others, you bring back to the relationship a freshness.
New ideas, new information, and new energy.
Ask any woman who has been away for an afternoon or a weekend with a group of women.
She returns feeling excited and recharged.
This doesn't mean she loves her husband any less, just that different parts of her get activated when with her women friends.
Being refueled has carry-over benefits to her marriage.
The same is true for her husband.
While some women worry their husband would be jealous if they spend time with other women, especially single women, that clouds the core issue - lack of trust.
Jealousy occurs when one is not feeling secure in the other's affection.
If you let your husband know how much you love and value him, there should be no real basis for jealousy.
(If so, that is the issue that needs addressing, not your spending time with friends.
) So, love your husband, have your Good Arguments, be with your women friends, and see how your marriage friendship deepens.
These are important, but everyone knows them.
I'm talking about having good arguments with your husband/partner and having women friendships - separate from your mate.
Let's start with the good arguments.
As a marriage and family therapist, I always worry when couples tell me they never argue.
It really is hard to imagine people living together and never getting annoyed by the other.
Two people are bound to have differences in style and behaviors.
And, then, there are all the gender differences that I have written about that are bound to cause annoyances.
Yet, what is wrong with being angry at your spouse? Being in touch with your anger is empowering.
Empowerment comes from acknowledging the anger and then deciding the best way to express it.
Denial, walking around stuffing the feeling, only leads to greater problems later.
The end result of addressing your anger (if done well) is coming to some resolution - so the issue never needs to be raised again.
What typically happens, though, is people mix up the feeling of anger with how the expression of anger - how the anger is expressed.
The feeling of anger is normal and in fact, if you breathe, you feel.
And, anger is a feeling.
The expression of that feeling, though, can range from one extreme of violence to the opposite extreme of denial - "Who me? I'm not angry.
" So, it is very loving to be honest with your spouse about your anger - as long as you speak from your feelings without accusations, as long as you aren't frequently dumping a long list of complaints.
Elsewhere, I have described a 15 step process for having A Good Argument.
Now, the second ingredient for having a good marriage is friendship with same sex friends - separate from your mate.
Think about it this way: your husband is your best friend; you are upset with your best friend, so who do you talk to about it? But, that's just a minor reason to have good friendships apart from your marriage.
When couples love each other and spend much of their (albeit limited) spare time together, they essentially recycle themselves.
By each of you doing things with others, you bring back to the relationship a freshness.
New ideas, new information, and new energy.
Ask any woman who has been away for an afternoon or a weekend with a group of women.
She returns feeling excited and recharged.
This doesn't mean she loves her husband any less, just that different parts of her get activated when with her women friends.
Being refueled has carry-over benefits to her marriage.
The same is true for her husband.
While some women worry their husband would be jealous if they spend time with other women, especially single women, that clouds the core issue - lack of trust.
Jealousy occurs when one is not feeling secure in the other's affection.
If you let your husband know how much you love and value him, there should be no real basis for jealousy.
(If so, that is the issue that needs addressing, not your spending time with friends.
) So, love your husband, have your Good Arguments, be with your women friends, and see how your marriage friendship deepens.