Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever be the sole caregiver for my aging mother, yet there I was committing to that very thing.
 My Tennessee brother was on the other end of the phone call that fired my anger to a point where I began to rage and curse.
My Arkansas brother had volunteered to look out for our aging parents many years before.
 He had done so with the help of his wife.
 But I learned on the phone that day that among other tragic indignities, mother had been admitted to a hospital for psychiatric evaluation.
 I said, "Psychiatric evaluation?  Mother's not mentally ill.
 I just talked to her three weeks ago and she sounded quite lucid...
sad, but lucid!"   Tennessee brother continued by saying that our Pennsylvania sister had called the hospital in question to find out how mother was doing, only to find out that she had been discharged three days earlier but Arkansas brother was so busy or whatever that he/they left her there.
 "My God!", I said.
 I could imagine how much that neglect had hurt her feelings, not to mention the humiliation that she felt as she had to tell the nurse that her son was too busy to come get here just then.
Arkansas brother finally had picked her up on the third day and immediately took her back to her lonely seniors apartment and her power wheel chair.
 She had over the past year, lost my father, her home, her car and her very spirit.
 Mother is one who lives to serve others.
 That is her calling and she loves every minute she is able to make somebody smile.
 She gave birth to five of us and never wavered once in her duties to us.
 Mother never ever complained about how much trouble we were growing up.
I was 63 years old at the time of my Tennessee brothers phone call about Mom.
 I had just gone through a rough stretch in my life and was slowly recovering.
 Having had a nervous breakdown after having had a heart attack that forced my retirement at 62, I lived in a facility for homeless veterans.
 All I had left was my truck, two ex-wives who were friends, and the motel-type room I lived in.
 My credit was ruined and I had no earthly idea how I was going to take care of mom but I knew that with God's help I would indeed go up there and bring her to Texas.
 I would make sure that she was never neglected or abused again.
I called my Arkansas Sister 'n' Law and told her I would be coming up there to get mother as soon as I could get hold of the money and secure an apartment for us to live in.
To my astonishment both she and my brother thought it was just wonderful so I began calling in old favors as I prepared to do what I didn't think I could.
Be advised if you decide to bring your parent to live with you that you must have some basic information about their Medicare, their life insurance, their last will and testament, their medical records, medication/prescriptions, funeral plans and their finances.
 If they are moving from another state or distant city these kinds of information are all the more necessary.
Prepare yourself as best you can to give your all and then some because this kind of decision should be for keeps.
Your parent/parents must feel secure with you.
 Assuming they don't have severe medical problems then your first order of business after they are settled in is to show them that you are honored to be able to care for them and in some small way repay them for their having taken care of you for so many years.
 They don't need a guilt trip.
 They need love and reassurance.
In my case I was used to being single and living alone for the past several years.
 I joked with mom as she directed me to hang all sorts of pictures and other things, that I felt like I was married again.
 We laughed...
laughter has been an integral part of our new arrangement.
 I believe that laughter helps to heal the spirit, the mind and the body.
 She thinks I'm funny so I use that to keep her smiling as often as I can.
 You see the personal attention is the same for the elderly as it is for the rest of us...
we all need warm and nourishing love.
 By the way that power wheel chair has not been used since she moved here with me.
 It is gathering dust in my closet while she walks mostly unassisted everywhere.
I suggest that you do everything in your power to arrange the living space in favor of your new roommate.
 As with all new relations the new eventually wears off and the routine sets in.
 I have tried to keep mother entertained by taking her to see the sites of the area I live in.
 She is amazed at how many public parks, restaurants and churches we have in this huge metropolitan area of Texas.
 She very much enjoys riding around in my truck, especially after not having such freedom to get out where she lived before.
When she lived in Arkansas mom had been declared incompetent and so was not allowed to control her money or really anything else.
 One of the first things I did was to make her a joint signee on my checking account.
 I found her a great doctor close by and established her care with him.
 I arranged for the doctor to test mother's mental acuity and certify that her mental capabilities were normal and consistent for her age.
 I think her self-esteem rose dramatically with that action.
 So then she had a bank account, a family health clinic, a doctor she liked and more freedom than she had known for a long time.
I contacted her life insurance company, medicare, her little Pennys account and Dillards as well as her county retirement fund back home.
 I transferred everything to Texas, much to the consternation of the Arkansas brother.
These kinds of things take a lot of time and effort but it most be done.
 It has not been a bed of roses but all in all it has gone smoothly and mom is so appreciative.
  In our case, I do nearly everything that concerns our daily functioning; washing clothes, cooking, paying the bills, setting doctors appointments, taking trash out, washing dishes and vacuuming for instance.
 But I realized after a while, as you should, that in as much as your parent can, they want to feel useful and that I feel is a good thing.
 I let her do some light duties like cleaning our tiny kitchen floor and the bathrooms and I often ask her advice even if I don't need it, because she needs to be asked.
I also took on the duties of dispensing her medications and keeping the prescriptions refilled.
 It is also important that I remind her to take her medicines everyday and if I don't watch her closely she won't eat healthfully.
 She loves the sweets and although I make sure chocolates and other things are available I also must be certain to feed her plenty of vegetables and fruit.
 Now my mom has a slight dementia condition so I must be ever watchful when she cooks sometimes.
 You too will need to double check if the stove is turned off or if the water is still running.
 Then I find myself having to go behind her, just as she did when I was a kid, and turning off lights.
Be aware that the older they get the more the elderly become like children again.
 Our roles are reversed now and I must be, to a certain extent, the parent.
 But I am gentle and considerate with mom and she appreciates everything I do.
 She loves to read those silly romantic novels and she has to watch 'The Price is Right' as well as 'The Wheel of Fortune'.
 I don't care for either of those shows but she loves for me to watch them with her.
 She has fallen in love with the Houston Rockets basketball team and I watch the games with her.
In return she watches the Houston Texans football games with me.
 I got her a cell phone so she can call me and so she can talk to others as she pleases.
 I like it because in case of an emergency she can reach me or I can check up on her when I have to go shopping or something without her.
There are for me and will be for you, times when she seems spoiled and hard to please, or she gripes about the TV shows and the commercials.
 One day last year she suddenly ask me if we could move back to Arkansas because she was homesick.
 I gently but firmly reminded her that this was our home now and we must make the most of it...
she got over that pretty quickly and we were onto some other topic.
One of the biggest problems I have had with our arrangement is that mother wants me to stay close to her, even in the same room if possible.
 I try to accommodate her but I admit that sometimes I just really need to get out and away for my own good.
 Fortunately when I am able to be free for a few hours she understands and cooperates completely.
 You will do a better job of that than I do I hope.
 One of my ex-wives,'all my exes live in Texas', would probably want to remarry me if not for the fact that we each take care of our aging mothers.
 She's a good friend of mine and we are each others sounding board on the phone and as often as possible in person.
 So if you are married I would imagine the caretaker roll could be a little easier, although there are inherent problems if your mate does not try to be as accommodating as you.
You will also find that even if you are like me and don't really take good care of yourself, you must change and do that very thing.
 I realized one day when I was down with a sinus infection, just how important it is to mom that I remain a healthy as possible.
 I couldn't do my job for her if I was ill or incapacitated somehow.
It is a heavy load to carry but through prayer, love and determination it can be done.
 It's been almost three years but mom swears that she would rather go on to be with Jesus than to have to go back to the conditions she lived under back home.
I believe that we are obliged to follow the mandate of God...
"honor thy father and thy mother".
As time goes along I will be writing articles and sharing what I learn with you.
May God Bless You, R.
G.
Knight