Take a minute to reflect on the conversations you have had with your children over the past couple of weeks.
Count how many times you have 'caught your children being good' and compare that to how many times you have 'corrected or instructed' them.
If you are honest with yourself, you probably realize that the 'corrections and instructions' have happened with much more frequency.
Why? Well because we believe that is our job, we need to guide and 'bring up our children' and in doing so we therefore need to correct them.
WRONG! Learning happens with intensity, duration, and frequency, right? Well, here is your challenge.
For the next two weeks, I want you to catch your children being good! We all have our behavior standards and the minute your child slips his big toe over the acceptable line into the unacceptable behavior zone, we are all over them - correct? Well, I want you to switch that around and start commenting on their acceptable behavior.
Start being very specific about the behavior you want repeated.
Describe it in detail; give them a recipe to repeat.
For example, your young child has cleaned up the play room.
Instead of a 'drive by praising'? (Great! Thanks! Good job! insert any other commonly used 'attaboy' here) acknowledge exactly what you want repeated.
"Wow, Aaron, you cleaned up the entire play room.
You put all the cars in the car bin, the balls in the ball bag, and all the blocks in their box, and you did quietly, quickly, and without being asked! Great job!" Aaron can now walk away knowing exactly what you want when he cleans up.
You have been very clear and precise in your description.
Be careful with praise.
Praise can be very manipulative and judgmental.
When you acknowledge what you want repeated the child judges the comment internally and this has a much stronger impression.
For example, one day I was walking by my daughters as they were working on their homework at the kitchen table.
As I passed them I said, "You girls are working really hard", they immediately put down their pencils, turned to me and said "Thanks Mom!" So, let's analyze what happened; the girls heard my comment, ran it through their 'filter' and decided they were working hard and that was good.
Their self- talk 'praised' them, not my words.
That is exactly what you want to instill in your children; the opportunity to be independent and to self determine what they have done well.
Okay, here's what you need to do, start catching your children doing the right things and let them know you appreciate their efforts.
Secondly, acknowledge what you see.
Think about the old television show Dragnet and Sergeant Joe Friday's line "Just the facts, ma'am" when you are acknowledging your kids actions.
Don't confuse the issue with emotion, let their self-talk remind them that what you have just commented on is indeed a good thing.