“I have a friend who will go through spurts where she will call me every day and want to hang out, but then ignore me for weeks at a time. I don’t get it. When I want to call her and talk, she will but only if she’s in one of those moods where she’s speaking with me. Otherwise she either gives me one-word answers to my texts or totally ignores me.

I don’t know what I should do. Is she really a friend?”


 

This friend seems to want to be around you only when she feels like it. I would be willing to bet that when she wants to hang out it’s either because she’s bored or she wants to talk about things going on in her own life. When she’s told her story (or finds something else to do), she blows you off.

Not cool.

People Who Don’t Act Like Friends

A person like this is not really a friend, because the true definition of friendship is a relationship that is reciprocal. You can’t have one person putting in all the effort and the other responding when she feels like it.

Even if your friend is extremely busy, she should make time for you, either by responding to your calls and texts in a timely manner (with more than just one-word answers) or by scheduling time on the calendar to see you on a regular basis. She can’t just call you when she feels like it and expect you to be a friend when it’s most convenient to her.

Confronting a Friend Who Ignores You

If you want to talk to her, say something direct but kind.

Don’t confront her with anger because she’ll probably get defensive and not absorb what you’re saying. Tell her, “It’s good to hear from you. You must be busy since I only hear from you once in a while. I can’t talk now but I’d like to catch up. Why don’t I call you back when I’ve got some time?”

This will flip the power from her determining when you meet to you taking control. Then, set up a time for coffee where you’ll talk for an hour or so. When you’re together, say something like, “Thanks for taking the time to come out. I feel like the last couple of times I called you didn’t really have time for me. It was so nice to see you and catch up.”

It’s possible that your friend really is just clueless about her behavior, so you’ll need to show her what it’s like to have to wait for another person to make plans. However, my experience is that people who act like this want a friend on their terms only. They aren’t concerned with how it affects you. So if you try bringing this issue up to her the next time she calls it might not do any good. She may just turn things around on you, and if that happens, you’ll know for sure what type of friend she really is. People that lack self-awareness don’t respond well to the truth, even when it’s told with the love and the best of intentions.