"I think we both value family and want good family relations, " said one mother-in-law to her daughter-in-law.
"Yes," replied her daughter-in-law, "but perhaps we have different definitions of what a good family relationship is.
" That simple exchange, just two sentences, highlights the crux of so many tensions between mothers-in-law, their children and their children's partners.
The frictions may come, not from incompatibility, but from different points of view.
Here's an example: An extroverted mother-in-law feels that good relationships are characterized by intimacy, by an easy sharing of details with few topics off-limits.
She sees life as narrative and wants stories that help her enter into her children's lives.
She wants to hear a story about the holiday gifts -what worked, what didn't, what has already been put to use and how it is working out.
For her, talking about shopping or eating or dealing with the kids is a way to feel part of a family.
Telling her own stories about child raising or cooking or working makes her feel closer.
For this woman, "the stories bring us to life and help us understand each other.
It is the small details that weave connections.
" Her quieter, more introspective daughter-in-law, on the other hand, sees a good family relationship as one in which people have strong boundaries and maintain privacy in their feelings and actions.
Not every topic is discussed outside the marriage.
Not every action is analyzed.
Saying less seems like a virtue.
What seems normal to the mother-in-law can seem prying and intrusive to the daughter-in-law.
What seems normal to the daughter-in-law can leave the mother-in-law feeling rejected and shut out.
The difficulties in this relationship are based on the different ways they view the world.
The viewpoints are neither right not wrong.
One works for one personality type, while another works for a different type.
If we are to be successful mothers-in-law, we need to understand the world views of our children and their partners and adjust to their ways.
Because I believe that in this last stage of parenting, it is our responsibility as mothers-in-law to figure out how to have positive relationships with our married children and their spouses, the burden of adjusting is mostly ours.
The new couple may also try to adjust to us, but it is wiser not to expect it.
When our expectations are not met, we get disappointed.
We may, consciously our unconsciously, feel angry at being rebuffed, and our anger will surely get us in trouble.
In dozens of interviews with mothers-in-law, I learned that the women who said "I'm a good mother-in-law and have a good relationship with my kids and their spouses," also said, when asked why they thought this was so: "I don't expect anything.
" "I led my life and they get to lead theirs.
" "I don't always agree with their decisions, but I respect them enough to let them do it their way.
" When children are young, loving them requires teaching.
When they are grown, loving them requires accepting them as they are.