8 Ways to Survive the Recession - The Meatloaf Blog
We have all said it at least once in the past few years: "If this economy wasn't so bad right now, I'd ________." The reality of the matter is that we in fact do live in tough economic times right now. Lucky for you, I've come up with a few tips to survive the current economic times. Though unconventional and downright unhealthy, I guarantee you that if you follow these simple steps, you'll survive this recession. Let's begin.
1. Cut Back on Your Water Bill - Water is very expensive so a good way to cut back is to stop showering all together. Yes you will stink, people will hate you and they'll assume it's ok to spit on you, but as the saying goes, "Time flies" and this recession will be over before you know it and you'll be able to shower again!
2. Find Ways to Increase Your Income - You know the old saying, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Well times are tough and the saying has changed a bit. The new saying is, "A penny stolen from someone else is a penny earned for you." So get out there, show some initiative, and increase your income! I would suggest starting off small, rob the lemonade stand and steal lunch money from small children getting off the bus until you get the hang of it and then move on to higher dollar items like sports cars, NFL franchises, and banks.
3. Recognize Poor Investments - Have you ever made a poor investment? Sure you have, and this current recession is a great opportunity to get your money back. How? Well you know that child you're sponsoring in South America? Well, he's a good kid but you need your $.25 per day a lot more than he does right now, so put a stop payment on the funds that you're sending to Chile and don't feel bad about it. They're in a permanent recession so they're used to it. You however are not.
4. Cut Wasteful Spending - We all tend to buy things we don't need, such as video games, fancy clothes and school lunches for the kiddos. I know this sounds harsh but if your kids are really THAT hungry, give them some tomato seeds and tell them to grow their own food. It builds character and teaches them that money doesn't grow on trees but their food does.
5. Get Rid of Your Cellphone -Yeah they're cool and all, but do we really need them? Get rid of the cellphone and get yourself a nice reliable pager. You'll also need to carry around a fanny pack with 8 pounds of quarters so you can use the payphone that a crack head just used to scratch his butt while talking to his parole officer. It's exactly the same result as a cell phone, you just have to put up with the smell.
6. Invest Your Money Wisely - Like I said before, take the money you were giving to Raul and reinvest in scratch tickets. You could easily win several million dollars. Just don't listen to the naysayers who tell you that your odds of winning are 1 in 100 million because they are dead wrong. The odds are actually 1 in 147 million, give or take.
7. Work a Second Job - Wait, scratch that. Don't work a second job, in fact, don't even work a first job. Find a way to get laid off and file for unemployment. By doing so, you'll make more money sitting on your butt than I do working full time! Now you'll have the added bonus of getting paid to do nothing while maintaining a profitable "under the table" business such as drug dealing, prostitution, cutting your elderly neighbor's grass, or a combination of all three.
8. Get the Whole Family Involved - We don't want to get so wrapped up with the idea of making money that we forget about our families do we? Of course not, that's why you should train your kids to become pick-pockets. They have small hands and they're eye level with people's butt cheeks so they can concentrate on the task at hand. Plus if they get caught they won't be in trouble, they're kids! In the unlikely case that they DO get in trouble, you can just deny knowing them and simply walk away. Even Peter denied Jesus three times and he was still a pretty decent guy.
This guide is not intended to fix all of your financial problems, so always remember that there is no substitute for hard work (unless you make more money by stealing from wealthy people, but even then, there's no substitute for working hard at stealing.) If you would like to read more about this topic, go to the top of this page and read it all over again. If you would like to read other things by The Meatloaf, go to www.themeatloafblog.com
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1. Cut Back on Your Water Bill - Water is very expensive so a good way to cut back is to stop showering all together. Yes you will stink, people will hate you and they'll assume it's ok to spit on you, but as the saying goes, "Time flies" and this recession will be over before you know it and you'll be able to shower again!
2. Find Ways to Increase Your Income - You know the old saying, "A penny saved is a penny earned." Well times are tough and the saying has changed a bit. The new saying is, "A penny stolen from someone else is a penny earned for you." So get out there, show some initiative, and increase your income! I would suggest starting off small, rob the lemonade stand and steal lunch money from small children getting off the bus until you get the hang of it and then move on to higher dollar items like sports cars, NFL franchises, and banks.
3. Recognize Poor Investments - Have you ever made a poor investment? Sure you have, and this current recession is a great opportunity to get your money back. How? Well you know that child you're sponsoring in South America? Well, he's a good kid but you need your $.25 per day a lot more than he does right now, so put a stop payment on the funds that you're sending to Chile and don't feel bad about it. They're in a permanent recession so they're used to it. You however are not.
4. Cut Wasteful Spending - We all tend to buy things we don't need, such as video games, fancy clothes and school lunches for the kiddos. I know this sounds harsh but if your kids are really THAT hungry, give them some tomato seeds and tell them to grow their own food. It builds character and teaches them that money doesn't grow on trees but their food does.
5. Get Rid of Your Cellphone -Yeah they're cool and all, but do we really need them? Get rid of the cellphone and get yourself a nice reliable pager. You'll also need to carry around a fanny pack with 8 pounds of quarters so you can use the payphone that a crack head just used to scratch his butt while talking to his parole officer. It's exactly the same result as a cell phone, you just have to put up with the smell.
6. Invest Your Money Wisely - Like I said before, take the money you were giving to Raul and reinvest in scratch tickets. You could easily win several million dollars. Just don't listen to the naysayers who tell you that your odds of winning are 1 in 100 million because they are dead wrong. The odds are actually 1 in 147 million, give or take.
7. Work a Second Job - Wait, scratch that. Don't work a second job, in fact, don't even work a first job. Find a way to get laid off and file for unemployment. By doing so, you'll make more money sitting on your butt than I do working full time! Now you'll have the added bonus of getting paid to do nothing while maintaining a profitable "under the table" business such as drug dealing, prostitution, cutting your elderly neighbor's grass, or a combination of all three.
8. Get the Whole Family Involved - We don't want to get so wrapped up with the idea of making money that we forget about our families do we? Of course not, that's why you should train your kids to become pick-pockets. They have small hands and they're eye level with people's butt cheeks so they can concentrate on the task at hand. Plus if they get caught they won't be in trouble, they're kids! In the unlikely case that they DO get in trouble, you can just deny knowing them and simply walk away. Even Peter denied Jesus three times and he was still a pretty decent guy.
This guide is not intended to fix all of your financial problems, so always remember that there is no substitute for hard work (unless you make more money by stealing from wealthy people, but even then, there's no substitute for working hard at stealing.) If you would like to read more about this topic, go to the top of this page and read it all over again. If you would like to read other things by The Meatloaf, go to www.themeatloafblog.com
The Meatloaf Blog on Facebook
The Meatloaf Blog on Twitter