Ten Habits of Highly Effective Mothers
I've always been a working mum, from both necessity and choice.
I've been a single mother, a step-mother and an exhausted mother and I've helped my children cope with the stress of exams, relationships and step-parents.
I know how hard it can be trying to find time for yourself when you're the one that keeps the family going; and let's face it, even if you're happily married, it's likely to be you that sits in business meetings thinking about what to get for tea, whether the PE kit is ready for tomorrow and whether there's 50p in your purse for the Tooth Fairy tonight! Even with the most supportive partner in the world, it can be very difficult to retain a sense of self, particularly when your children are small.
Many of us feel guilty if we take time out just for us - there are so many other things we "should" be doing! But I've realised that the greatest gift you can give your family is for you to be happy, relaxed and feeling in control of your life.
Here are some simple tips and techniques that will help you to escape from under the burden of expectations you've loaded onto your shoulders, and bust the myth of "the perfect mother".
What your kids need most from you is for you to be yourself and to be an awesome role model by showing them that true happiness comes with being aware that, when you show the world your true colours, you shine.
1.
Let go of the idea of perfection: you don't need to be the perfect mother/partner/daughter/sister/friend.
It's an impossible ideal and if you're continually striving for perfection you're going to be continually setting yourself up for failure.
All you can do, is do your best.
Notice the standards you set for yourself - are they realistic? Are they your standards, or somebody else's? 2.
Work out what's really important, and ditch the rest: my own version of this ran along the lines of - as long as everyone knows they're loved, is warm, well-fed, polite and happy, nothing else matters.
Those were the standards I set myself when my kids were small, and by and large that has remained the centre of my parenting strategy.
So I've saved myself time, energy and money by deciding that things like tidiness, ironing and dusting weren't important.
Your standards will be different, but you need to know what they are 3.
Treat your kids with respect, and they'll return the compliment: everyone, regardless of their age or status, is worthy of respect by virtue of the fact that they're a human being.
I'm frequently amazed by the number of people that either demand respect from their children without showing them respect, or that allow (or even expect) their children to show them a complete lack of respect.
If you set your children a good example, they will follow it.
4.
Give them choices: it's unhealthy for you and for them if you don't.
You end up feeling like you're having to do everyone's thinking for them, and they grow up either unable to make decisions for themselves, or feeling resentful because they have no control over their own lives.
The trick is to make those choices age appropriate - a 2 year old can choose which pair of trousers they want to wear or whether they want some apple or some banana to eat, and a 15 year old can (and should) decide which GCSE options s/he wants to take - you can advise but remember, it's not your decision to make.
I used to get my kids to write up a list of rules for how they wanted the rest of the household to treat them when they were going through their GCSEs and A Levels.
It saved us any amount of tension and ensured that they got what they needed - after all, they know themselves best.
(And yes, thank you, their exam results were excellent) 5.
Insist on time for yourself: when my kids were 4 and 5 I took them to France for a week on holiday, just the 3 of us.
To preserve my sanity I did a deal with them - so every morning I had 2 hours of "Mummy Time" to read my book in the sunshine while they played in the garden.
After that we got everything out of the fridge and had a feast.
And after that, we went out for the afternoon and did something together - and we took it in turns to choose what to do.
The 3 of us still reminisce about what a great holiday that was and a lot of that was down to the fact that it was relaxing for me because I had time for me.
What strategies do you have to get "me time"? 6.
Live as if you value yourself: think of all the ways you show your kids how much you love them - maybe you make a point of telling them that you love them every day, maybe you ensure that they eat healthily, take regular exercise and get enough sleep.
There are all sorts of different ways that mothers have of showing their children that they care about them.
But how do you show them, and you, that you care about yourself? Do you show yourself the same love and devotion you show them? And if you don't, what kind of mixed messages are you sending them? 7.
Know your limits: no-one can do it all.
Not even you! It's important that you recognise the signs that tell you that you've reached the stoppers, and it's even more important that you feel able to ask for help when you need it.
Admitting that it's all too much is NOT a sign of weakness - being able to ask for help is one of the bravest things you can do, and you'll be amazed how many people there are who want to help you.
8.
Remember who you are: having become a mother doesn't mean that you've suddenly lost your own identity (although it can feel like that, especially in those first few, sleepless years).
Keep in mind that this is just one phase of your life and only one area of your life.
If you subsume yourself in motherhood, what will you do when they've grown up and flown away? Who will you be then? 9: Set yourself goals: and make sure they really are goals for YOU to achieve, not for you to help your kids achieve.
If your kids see you out there, biting chunks out of life and gaining the satisfaction that comes from achievement, they'll admire you and want to emulate you, and you'll be role-modeling behaviours that will set them up for successful lives of their own.
10.
First give them roots, then give them wings: that's what motherhood is all about - giving them a good grounding and then helping them to become independent.
And you can do that by ensuring that your own roots are solid and not clipping your children's wings.
I've been a single mother, a step-mother and an exhausted mother and I've helped my children cope with the stress of exams, relationships and step-parents.
I know how hard it can be trying to find time for yourself when you're the one that keeps the family going; and let's face it, even if you're happily married, it's likely to be you that sits in business meetings thinking about what to get for tea, whether the PE kit is ready for tomorrow and whether there's 50p in your purse for the Tooth Fairy tonight! Even with the most supportive partner in the world, it can be very difficult to retain a sense of self, particularly when your children are small.
Many of us feel guilty if we take time out just for us - there are so many other things we "should" be doing! But I've realised that the greatest gift you can give your family is for you to be happy, relaxed and feeling in control of your life.
Here are some simple tips and techniques that will help you to escape from under the burden of expectations you've loaded onto your shoulders, and bust the myth of "the perfect mother".
What your kids need most from you is for you to be yourself and to be an awesome role model by showing them that true happiness comes with being aware that, when you show the world your true colours, you shine.
1.
Let go of the idea of perfection: you don't need to be the perfect mother/partner/daughter/sister/friend.
It's an impossible ideal and if you're continually striving for perfection you're going to be continually setting yourself up for failure.
All you can do, is do your best.
Notice the standards you set for yourself - are they realistic? Are they your standards, or somebody else's? 2.
Work out what's really important, and ditch the rest: my own version of this ran along the lines of - as long as everyone knows they're loved, is warm, well-fed, polite and happy, nothing else matters.
Those were the standards I set myself when my kids were small, and by and large that has remained the centre of my parenting strategy.
So I've saved myself time, energy and money by deciding that things like tidiness, ironing and dusting weren't important.
Your standards will be different, but you need to know what they are 3.
Treat your kids with respect, and they'll return the compliment: everyone, regardless of their age or status, is worthy of respect by virtue of the fact that they're a human being.
I'm frequently amazed by the number of people that either demand respect from their children without showing them respect, or that allow (or even expect) their children to show them a complete lack of respect.
If you set your children a good example, they will follow it.
4.
Give them choices: it's unhealthy for you and for them if you don't.
You end up feeling like you're having to do everyone's thinking for them, and they grow up either unable to make decisions for themselves, or feeling resentful because they have no control over their own lives.
The trick is to make those choices age appropriate - a 2 year old can choose which pair of trousers they want to wear or whether they want some apple or some banana to eat, and a 15 year old can (and should) decide which GCSE options s/he wants to take - you can advise but remember, it's not your decision to make.
I used to get my kids to write up a list of rules for how they wanted the rest of the household to treat them when they were going through their GCSEs and A Levels.
It saved us any amount of tension and ensured that they got what they needed - after all, they know themselves best.
(And yes, thank you, their exam results were excellent) 5.
Insist on time for yourself: when my kids were 4 and 5 I took them to France for a week on holiday, just the 3 of us.
To preserve my sanity I did a deal with them - so every morning I had 2 hours of "Mummy Time" to read my book in the sunshine while they played in the garden.
After that we got everything out of the fridge and had a feast.
And after that, we went out for the afternoon and did something together - and we took it in turns to choose what to do.
The 3 of us still reminisce about what a great holiday that was and a lot of that was down to the fact that it was relaxing for me because I had time for me.
What strategies do you have to get "me time"? 6.
Live as if you value yourself: think of all the ways you show your kids how much you love them - maybe you make a point of telling them that you love them every day, maybe you ensure that they eat healthily, take regular exercise and get enough sleep.
There are all sorts of different ways that mothers have of showing their children that they care about them.
But how do you show them, and you, that you care about yourself? Do you show yourself the same love and devotion you show them? And if you don't, what kind of mixed messages are you sending them? 7.
Know your limits: no-one can do it all.
Not even you! It's important that you recognise the signs that tell you that you've reached the stoppers, and it's even more important that you feel able to ask for help when you need it.
Admitting that it's all too much is NOT a sign of weakness - being able to ask for help is one of the bravest things you can do, and you'll be amazed how many people there are who want to help you.
8.
Remember who you are: having become a mother doesn't mean that you've suddenly lost your own identity (although it can feel like that, especially in those first few, sleepless years).
Keep in mind that this is just one phase of your life and only one area of your life.
If you subsume yourself in motherhood, what will you do when they've grown up and flown away? Who will you be then? 9: Set yourself goals: and make sure they really are goals for YOU to achieve, not for you to help your kids achieve.
If your kids see you out there, biting chunks out of life and gaining the satisfaction that comes from achievement, they'll admire you and want to emulate you, and you'll be role-modeling behaviours that will set them up for successful lives of their own.
10.
First give them roots, then give them wings: that's what motherhood is all about - giving them a good grounding and then helping them to become independent.
And you can do that by ensuring that your own roots are solid and not clipping your children's wings.