Matt and Jenny had several things in common.
Reoccurring nightmares, exaggerated startle response, hypo-arousal, poor self-image, and strangely enough, an aversion to peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
Matt was a former Marine who served two tours in Vietnam.
He was seeking counseling because of anxiety.
It had been decades since he had thought about his experiences in Nam, so he quickly dismissed any notion that his symptoms were related.
I asked him to tell his story.
What followed was a horrific account of the perils of war.
Matt's experiences caused him to build invisible walls to protect himself from the pain of remembering, but they also protected him from something worse; accepting that he was capable of the things he had done.
For half a lifetime he wrestled subconsciously to integrate those experiences into who he was as a person.
Unable to forget or forgive himself, he chose to hide.
Jenny presented with post-partum depression and anxiety.
She'd been married for six years and had just delivered her first-born son.
Everything seemed fine- until she remembered.
Jenny had been involved with a young man in college.
She had planned to marry him, but when she found out she was pregnant, he walked out.
Devastated and alone she had an abortion.
Jenny had some complications after the procedure.
Excessive bleeding and a pelvic inflammatory condition exacerbated her feelings of anxiety and guilt, strengthening her belief that God was punishing her for what she had done.
Once Jenny got better she buried what happened.
Unfortunately, she buried it alive.
After her baby was born, the trauma of the abortion re-surfaced and Jenny began experiencing panic attacks.
As I dug deeper into each of their stories, I discovered that Matt and Jenny each displayed the hypo-arousal, intrusive thoughts, and neuro-physiological effects characteristic of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Both had lived in avoidance and denial for quite some time until the physiological remembering of their individual traumas could be silenced no longer.
Matt's remembering surfaced while he was in the hospital after being diagnosed with cancer.
The sights and smells, the blood, and the blank empty stares of other patients ravaged by disease caused him to started having panic attacks, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts about death.
He remembered putting peanut butter and jelly on his toast at breakfast one morning and coming totally unglued.
Later, he told me the unspeakable reason why.
Jenny thought she was going through post-partum depression, until she too had an extreme reaction making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Jenny broke the jar of strawberry preserves and as she bent down to clean it up she began to shake uncontrollably.
She said the jelly reminded her of all the blood clots associated with the abortion.
Matt and Jenny's bodies were remembering trauma.
What couldn't be cognitively accessed because the brain dissociated during the traumatic events, was coming out in physical symptoms that couldn't be ignored.
Matt and Jenny were traumatized in very different ways, but the moral quandary each faced challenged their sense of self as well as their core belief system and religious values.
To find healing, each would need: · A strong support network · Courage to tell their story · Counseling and trauma work · Empathy and compassion · Willingness to forgive themselves · Help identifying losses · Practical help living with grief Witnessing a trauma, or being a victim oneself, carries intense guilt and shame issues causing many people to carry secrets they believe they can never reveal.
Underneath the secrets are a host of beliefs like the ones Matt and Jenny carried.
Things like: · I'm a horrible person · I should be punished · God hates me · If others really knew me they would reject me · I can never tell Trauma overwhelms a person's ability to cope.
Uncertain of how to move forward and integrate the trauma into their life, folks like Matt and Jenny bury their feelings.
Freedom is possible but only if we're willing to risk coming out of hiding and tell our story.
If you or someone you know is struggling with severe anxiety, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, or persistent nightmares, there may be a traumatic event somewhere in their past.
Both Matt and Jenny took a risk and shared their secrets.
Both found healing.
Their journeys weren't easy, but the price we pay for freedom never is.