See Also:
• Latest Late-Night Jokes
• Best Jon Stewart Quotes
• Best Stephen Colbert Quotes

"I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet.

But you're still the King." -John Oliver

"Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word." -John Oliver

"One failed attempt at a shoe bomb and we all take off our shoes at the airport. Thirty-one school shootings since Columbine and no change in our regulation of guns." -John Oliver

"Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted." –John Oliver

"Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to." –John Oliver on the NSA spying scandal

"You know. Mr. President, when Michele Bachmann is in your side you may want to look at the side you are on. She is the canary in the crazy mine. I myself wear a bracelet that says: 'What wouldn't Michele Bachmann do?'" -John Oliver on the NSA surveillance program

"Anthony Weiner's alter ego is a Bolivian action hero slash porn star.

'Danger... is my user name.'" –John Oliver

"I remember him now... the man whose name is so perfect for the scandal he was caught up in that it rekindled my faith in God." - John Oliver on Anthony Weiner

"Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'" - John Oliver

"That's right, it was a boy. And finally, we have a member of the royal family with an actual excuse for being a toothless, petulant, useless human being...That one could get me into trouble back home." - John Oliver

“I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State." -John Oliver, reacting to George Zimmerman's acquittal

"Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn’t mean you have to act that way." –John Oliver

"Has it ever occurred to anyone when visiting Orlando that when Mickey Mouse is waving at you, what he's actually trying to say is, 'Please someone get me the f*ck out of here, these people are f*cking crazy?'" –John Oliver [Florida laws are] "what makes this so much worse -- that we could get a verdict like this, not because the system is broken down, but because the system worked exactly as it's designed. How does 2013 Florida have a law that seems cut and pasted from 1881 Tombstone?' asked a seething John Oliver. 'Because – let's be clear here – according to current Florida law, you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following him, then choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with him and if at any point during that process you get scared, you can shoot the minor to death and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look, you did what you could.'' –John Oliver

"Democracy is like a tambourine – not everyone can be trusted with it.'" –John Oliver

"First tonight, I and the rest of America woke up this morning in the worst way imaginable." -John Oliver on Sarah Palin returning to Fox News

"News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right." - John Oliver

"Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents." - John Oliver

"Welcome to The Daily Show, I'm John Oliver. Jon Stewart is still not here. He is currently living out a live-action Lord of the Rings role-playing experience deep in the New Zealand wilderness." - John Oliver

"Welcome to The Daily Show, I am John Oliver. And let's just acknowledge for a moment that this is weird. This looks weird. It feels weird. It even sounds weird. It sounds weird to me and this is my actual voice." - John Oliver on his first night hosting The Daily Show

Share with a Friend