Often the first step in understanding your depression involves acknowledging that you do have depression.
This can be difficult.
When I look back over my life I realise that for the first 20 odd years I did not even identify with depression.
I was just me.
It took divorce for me to eventually realise that I did have depression.
Following the divorce I found myself getting into ruts where I was frequently teary and lacked energy to do day to day activities.
This seemed to go on for a long while.
Eventually I went to the doctor who diagnosed me with depression.
Even now I realise that diagnosis was just the beginning of my journey to fully acknowledge that I have depression.
After a while on anti depressants I started to feel better.
When I felt better I convinced myself I no longer had depression.
I came off the medication and I seemed to be surviving well.
However, thankfully I also engaged in counselling.
I have found counselling to be truly beneficial.
When you find a good counsellor who is someone you feel comfortable with and can relate well to, it really is a great thing.
Through counselling I explored who I was, my past and how my upbringing has shaped my life.
I realised that I grew up in quite an oppressive family.
It was no wonder I developed depression and I probably developed it from a very early age but back then I would have just thought it was me and not something such as an illness.
As time has moved on and I have grown as a person and learnt much through regular counselling (I go to counselling when I feel I need it, when an event that is troubling me arises etc) I now realise that I have depression.
Depression is a part of me.
I do not believe this is some sort of cop out as though I have totally resigned myself to depression, but instead I see it as a condition that I need to be aware of.
This results in greater self-care.
I no longer push myself as hard as I used to.
I make sure I have days off to just relax and recuperate.
I am very aware of self care and being kind to myself.
I still get agitated when I do have a depressive episode.
For example my father recently passed away and I grieved but felt eventually that I was moving on.
I started to feel better.
But then out of no where came a depressive episode.
I was angry because I couldn't see why.
Sure my dad had died but I felt I was working through this.
I couldn't see why not being able to go work and totally lacking energy for anything had arisen.
But of course I realised it was depression and so I started to be kind to myself.
I allowed myself to have more time off work and just take it easy, doing nothing and giving my mind time to rest and recuperate.
In summary acknowledging that you have depression is important.
It can be difficult to do.
Be kind to yourself and seek out help.
As mentioned I have found counselling to be absolutely vital.
I really enjoy it too.
I no longer see any reason to suffer.
I believe it is far easier to see a counsellor and discuss what is going on for you.
Medication is important if it works for you.
Don't mess with medication.
If you know a major event has happened in your life (death, relationship breakdown etc) and you know medication works for you, stay on it for as long as you need to and I would recommend at least 12 months and longer.
Of course seek the advice of your doctor.
Self care and acknowledgment of the issue is so important.
Good luck.