(Sorry about the redundancy in the title, since any time you have to brag on paper about how awesome you are when you know you ain't, it's a tad hellish, unless you're a used car salesman/writer.
) The first thing to do when writing a query letter to a publisher, literary agent, or editor, is to go buy something to make yourself feel better before starting, preferably something expensive.
As a middling dilettanto, I have enough money left over to get something nice, like a car stereo.
If you are a full-time freelance writer you may want something cheaper, something you can afford, like a pencil, or if that's beyond your budget, an eraser perhaps.
Anything, just something to get you in a store for a while and away from your typewriting implement.
The second thing to do is to purchase a book on how to write a query letter, or several maybe, so it takes longer to read them.
An adjunct of this second step is to go online and get as much free information on query letter writing - including a free PDF you can download and store on your hard drive and forget where it is eventually, but at least you know it's there - as possible.
You may be too nervous to be able to read any of this, but that's okay.
The third step is a combination of information-gathering and spending money.
Join some sites such as Writers Market, to get lists of pubs and agents.
Make sure everything is organized, so your terror, shame, and worry have places to go when they are needed.
You might think of subscribing to the Oxford English Dictionary online, so you have a good resource for any well-phrased excuses that may be needed later.
Make a place to put the list of people and organizations you will have contacted eventually.
A to-do list is mandatory, and spreadsheets are helpful, as they make it seem more like you are doing something.
Remember to breathe.
The fourth step is doing the research to find out exactly who you will be sending this query letter to.
This step is very time consuming and can take several months, and if you are lucky will take the rest of the time until you die and you won't have to actually write the query.
It is possible to find agencies who have what they call "query holidays".
Those are the golden times.
Just this last December, Firebrand Literary Agency had a month-long query holiday, and all I had to send them was my contact info and the first ten pages of my ms.
Sigh.
Another thing you might try at this step is to get hoodwinked by a hopemonger.
It happens that there are clickable ads here and there on writing sites that will lead you to what may be called a query-letter form.
The supposed literary agencies that do this, and that are so conveniently on the lookout for "fresh new talent" (which means dumb people), are just scams and ways to get your computer infected and give away some money for nothing.
Still, that beats writing the actual query by a considerable margin.
The fifth step is to hire a writing coach to make you write the query.
For those who cannot afford this, one will have to pretend.
You see, as ever, the bad news with all disagreeable tasks remains the same.
You have to do them.
Too bad we have to actually write the query.
Just talking about it, although certainly unpleasant, holds nothing like the soul-scorching horrors of actually writing the fake words, when a single letter out of place calls down eternal doom.
Writing a query letter is akin to the biggest dork in school having to ask out the hottest babe a thousand times in a row.
Except you can't stutter once.
The sixth and penultimate step is to actually write the letter.
We will have to skip over that part, since I haven't got there yet.
The seventh and holy final step is to send off your query.
Then go back to writing from your heart.
"We work in the dark.
We do what we can.
We give what we have.
Our doubt is our passion, and our passion is our task.
The rest is the madness of art.
" ~ Henry James