Visitation: Don"t Get Mad, Get Talking
Your ex is late picking your kids up for visitation. You and he have a relationship that could be called toxic if it is a good day. He'll pull up in front of the house, honk the horn, and no matter when he bothers to get there, will expect your kids to be ready to go with him.
When you go to pick them up after his visit, you are on time. However, you don't leave your car, either. You honk your horn, and your kids aren't ready to leave. Your ex's new bimbo informs you that they are watching the end of a show, finishing a game, or doing something else that you are interrupting. Nevertheless, they, and more significantly, your ex knew you were coming, and it's time to go. You have housework to do, clothes to launder and 5 million other things to do tonight to get ready for the work week. You don't have time to sit in a hot car waiting for your kids to finish doing something that they had a whole weekend to get done.
Both of these scenarios could have been different if your ex had the brains and consideration G-d gave a goose. He could have called you, or asked one of the kids to let you know that it would be better if you picked them up 15 minutes late. In this day of cell phones and email, he could have let you know he was stuck in traffic, or had to work late and picked them up a few minutes later without making everyone wait around wondering where he is.
However, you know he is an idiot, and it won't do you a bit of good to talk to him. You've tried before, and all he did was interrupt you and tell you why everything was your fault, and how much better the world would be if he didn't have to listen to you complain. Of course, he would say the same thing if he was asked, and so you keep singing the same song and dancing the same dance week after week. His visitation times have become your nightmare, and your pick up time feels like the invasion of the body snatchers to him.
Meanwhile, your kids are not sure what to say or do. If they stay and finish their game at Dad's, they know you'll be unhappy. If they leave, Dad's feelings will be hurt. After all, both of you are trying to assert your authority over them, and the winner is the one they obey.
These push and pull contests aren't a matter of life and death, but they are hard on your kids. How would you feel if your two best friends hated each other? What would it be like if you knew that no matter what you did, someone was going to be unhappy with you? What would you learn from a problem that keeps rearing its ugly head, and a solution that never seems to make an appearance?
Do yourself and your kids a favor. Tell your ex that you want to make peace, and be sincere. Ask him if you and he can meet to discuss your recurring problems in a neutral place in a non-hostile manner, then do it. Leave your significant others at home, at least for the first get together, and try to have a civil exchange. You may not have the time of your life, but you may make your kids lives a lot less stressful.
When you go to pick them up after his visit, you are on time. However, you don't leave your car, either. You honk your horn, and your kids aren't ready to leave. Your ex's new bimbo informs you that they are watching the end of a show, finishing a game, or doing something else that you are interrupting. Nevertheless, they, and more significantly, your ex knew you were coming, and it's time to go. You have housework to do, clothes to launder and 5 million other things to do tonight to get ready for the work week. You don't have time to sit in a hot car waiting for your kids to finish doing something that they had a whole weekend to get done.
Both of these scenarios could have been different if your ex had the brains and consideration G-d gave a goose. He could have called you, or asked one of the kids to let you know that it would be better if you picked them up 15 minutes late. In this day of cell phones and email, he could have let you know he was stuck in traffic, or had to work late and picked them up a few minutes later without making everyone wait around wondering where he is.
However, you know he is an idiot, and it won't do you a bit of good to talk to him. You've tried before, and all he did was interrupt you and tell you why everything was your fault, and how much better the world would be if he didn't have to listen to you complain. Of course, he would say the same thing if he was asked, and so you keep singing the same song and dancing the same dance week after week. His visitation times have become your nightmare, and your pick up time feels like the invasion of the body snatchers to him.
Meanwhile, your kids are not sure what to say or do. If they stay and finish their game at Dad's, they know you'll be unhappy. If they leave, Dad's feelings will be hurt. After all, both of you are trying to assert your authority over them, and the winner is the one they obey.
These push and pull contests aren't a matter of life and death, but they are hard on your kids. How would you feel if your two best friends hated each other? What would it be like if you knew that no matter what you did, someone was going to be unhappy with you? What would you learn from a problem that keeps rearing its ugly head, and a solution that never seems to make an appearance?
Do yourself and your kids a favor. Tell your ex that you want to make peace, and be sincere. Ask him if you and he can meet to discuss your recurring problems in a neutral place in a non-hostile manner, then do it. Leave your significant others at home, at least for the first get together, and try to have a civil exchange. You may not have the time of your life, but you may make your kids lives a lot less stressful.