I want you to imagine a wall full of little doors, just like lockers in a change room, except there's thousands of them.
Each one is a potential love pocket, a human character trait you can accept or reject.
If you have a model or good person bad person and you have enough time in relationships with parents, siblings or an ex spouse, you'll eventually have the opportunity to lock up a lot of those little doors.
Given that everybody has every trait, eventually, everybody you meet will, by the laws of nature, inevidibly display a trait or two that you don't like.
So, your wall becomes and affirmation wall.
Now, here comes a potential partner.
"Oh, no" they display one of the locked door character traits you've rejected in one of the thousands of people you've met or loved or lived with.
Bingo, they're out.
So, this hippie mindset of good person bad person becomes like a kitchen sieve, filtering out potential partners because they have traits that just don't fit into your wall of fame, or should I say, wall of flame.
Find Love- Unravelling the Wall of Flame The very human, and highly emotional model of life is good guy bad guy.
We might go to a speed dating session or do a blind date, and the "wall of flame" is looking for those people with the few remaining character traits that fit through our sieve.
We've had an ex who wasn't responsible.
So, the irresponsible door is shut, bolted and locked.
Anyone who even blinks in the direction of irresponsible is OUT.
Burned by the "Wall of Flame.
" Now, we had a father who was abusive.
So, that door is shut, abusive people are OUT.
Burned by the "Wall of Flame.
" We had a sister who was bossy.
So, that door is shut, locked and bolted.
Anyone who comes across as slightly bossy, OUT.
Burned by the "Wall of Flame.
" We had a lover, it was a secret, nobody knew about that fling because they were married.
We got hurt, so, any bastard who cheats on his or her partner is a fraud.
Fraud people are OUT.
That door is locked, bolted, welded shut, nothing could open it, no way.
So, anyone who presents to us a side that is a bit naughty, false, nervous, unsure, insecure, pretentious - IS OUT.
The "Wall of Flame has spoken.
" So, this list could go on and on.
Maybe we had a friend who bullied us.
All Bullies OUT.
Maybe we had a lover who cheated on us.
All Cheats OUT.
Year by year we build the "Wall of Flame.
" Year by year we become more and more single.
Even in a relationship, there are people who are so lonely, so locked up, they're single in a relationship, believe it or not.
The "Wall of Flame" gets more and more locked up, and less and less holes become available for people to slip through.
This wall is built on MYTH.
And if you want to live in MYTH it's up to you.
The Hippies were wrong.
There isn't a half human in the universe.
The churches are wrong, you can't eliminate a trait.
The psychologist are wrong, there's nothing to be fixed.
Except, the "Wall of Flame.
" You might want children.
Or you might have one or two from a previous marriage.
Maybe they can undo your "Wall of Flame.
" You might attach to them instead of a partner and try to prove that your wall is valid.
You might say, "My children fit through my sieve.
They don't have any of the character traits I've LOCKED away in my "Wall of Flame.
" But they do, and nature guarantees it.
Whatever doors you've locked on that wall, your children live out.
If you can't learn to do LOVE POCKETS voluntarily, nature brings the teaching to open your heart to people again, through the back door.
She breeds it, attracts it or proves that you've become - every door you ever lock on that wall.
So, lets go back to the dinner party where you're being introduced to the "blind date.
" The only person at the table who is blind is you.
Every locked door on your "Wall of Flame" triggers and automatic dislike to anyone who even blinks in the direction of one of those character traits.
You'll exclude anyone who reminds you of a locked door.
A memory of the past.
What you might call, been there done that.
But your wall is crappy.
In fact, and this is the most amazing thing, anyone who also has an issue with that same locked door on their wall, will present a facade at that dinner party and make really sure they don't reveal that part of their personality.
So, you feel totally attracted to someone who is, like you, wanting to avoid anything in themselves or others, that reminds them of the "LOCKED DOOR TRAITS.
" Draw that scenario against the following.
Every person has every trait.
"Oh, I don't believe that.
" "Ok, I can understand you buying into a model that 49.
99999% of the Western World buys into.
But have you ever wondered why 49.
999999% of marriages fail?" Attraction breeds repulsion My ex partner has lasted 2 years or less in every relationship she's had.
Including ours.
She meets men, falls madly in love, and then 2 years later, they either cheat, leave or lose interest.
She blames the men, but I know there are no victims in love.
She pushes them away, but makes them think they did it.
Really, she's attracted to men who fit through her sieve but soon finds out they have many of the "Locked Door - Wall of Flame," character traits.
Her attraction turns to resentment.
She starts wanting to "help them be more spiritual.
" Really, what she's saying is, "shit, I did it again.
" The problem is not the men, the problem is that she's choosing the wrong guys.
She'd be better off to choose men she doesn't like.
Then, after a few months she'd see that they have all the traits she does like, and she'd be pleasantly surprised.
At a speed dating engagement people would be better to list all the things they don't like in a partner and choose the person who has them all.
People only display the unlocked doors, so, it's a golden guarantee that someone who presents themselves as a speed dating event will be showing off the things they like about themselves.
It doesn't mean the other side isn't there, it just takes the first date to learn that.
After my divorce I started dating potential partners.
When I was looking for some security, I chose a really secure woman, who, after about a month, became totally jealous and paranoid about my trustworthiness.
I remember presenting myself to her as such an ethical guy.
When she realised I had two sides, things changed for both of us.
Then I was on the build success path.
I attracted a highly motivated super driven success woman.
We really hit it off.
Then after a month or two, (it doesn't take long these days) she presented her other side.
"I just want babies and to stay home.
" Where did that come from? Well she didn't feel positive about that side of her and had locked that door on her "Wall of Flame" until, in her words, she, "met the right guy.
" There are hundreds of stories like this.
And this is the reason why 90% of relationships don't last.
We present the half of ourselves we like, we're attracted to the half of others we like and we think that's the end of the story.
Really, we're better to list what we don't like, get into a relationship with that person and find the other side after a month.
Being single, or in a "Wall of Flame" relationship feels like we are locked into a prison and someone took away, threw away, the key.
But it's the locked doors that are repelling people.
We attract our own kind.
So, the more critical, locked up, closed doors we have, the more we attract people of a similar mindset.
And, they are the ones we least want to be around.
They remind us of us.
I hear people say, "Love yourself first.
" And I really get that but what if, the definition of "love yourself" is screwed up.
What if the books you read, the seminars you went to, the TV shows you watch are all about the Theatre of love, and not real love? What if "loving yourself" really means unlocking those "Never go there again" stories and accepting that other side of yourself? When I started to work through my dirty relationship laundry, I listed all the things I didn't like about my ex.
I was shocked to find, that they were all the things I didn't like in me.
And they were all the things I didn't like in my Dad.
And they were all the things I didn't like in my Step mother.
Shivers.
It was me I didn't love and I'd been trying to fix myself in all the therapy by getting rid of those traits in me.
The whole model was a farce.
What I needed to do was unlock the doors in my, "Wall of Blame.
"