Marriage therapy can be a marriage saver for many couples, but it can also be a marriage destroyer.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, then it is important to find a good couple's therapist, one who works well with both partners and one who will work hard to help you work out your relationship problems.
Choosing and sticking with the wrong therapist can actually do more harm than good to your marriage.
So, how do you know whether your therapist is doing a good job? Basically, if you are making progress working through problems in your marriage, then your therapist is doing a good job.
But there are some things to look for to make sure you have a good therapist who really is benefiting your marriage, not hurting it.
First, make sure that your therapist is trained in couple's therapy, not just general therapy.
Couples therapy is very different from individual therapy, and a therapist trained in providing individual therapy doesn't necessarily know how to handle issues that will occur in a couple's session.
Couple therapy is one of the most difficult types of therapy to conduct.
There is often a high level of conflict in the room and the therapist needs to know how to handle it.
Some individual therapists take a very passive approach, allowing the patient to talk and lead the session wherever it may go.
This may be helpful for some individuals, but it is not productive for couple's therapy.
Structure within the marriage therapy session is important.
The therapist needs to know how to take control of the session; otherwise the couple will just argue the same as they do at home, and no progress will be made.
Next, ask yourself: is your therapist working with you and your partner to save your marriage or are they playing a neutral part? Worse yet, are they undermining your efforts to work things out? You are in marriage therapy to work through problems and save your marriage or to make your marriage better.
This is what you are paying your therapist to help you do.
Sadly, many therapists don't get this and may say things that undermine the marriage, even if unintentionally.
This is particularly a problem when couples split up into individual therapy sessions rather than attending together in the same room.
If your therapist has ever said anything to you like "If you aren't happy, then why are you staying in the marriage?" or "You deserve better" this is a red flag that your therapist is not doing his/her job to help you save your marriage.
Comments like these can make you feel like separating or getting a divorce is the right thing to do, because after all - you're not happy.
In actuality, you are in therapy to try to get happiness back into your marriage.
Of course, there are some cases where a divorce may be the right thing, for example when the relationship is abusive or poses a danger to any children involved, but these cases are the exception, not the rule.
By in large, your therapist should be the last one in the room fighting to save your marriage.
If they aren't, they may not know how to do their job.
Maybe they weren't properly trained in couple's therapy.
Marriage therapy can work wonders if your therapist is properly trained and committed to helping you and your spouse save or improve your marriage.
Unfortunately, many professionals offering marriage therapy services were never properly trained in couple's therapy.
But there are good marriage therapists out there.
If your therapist is not doing a good job, then get another one; your marriage is worth it.